Posted: December 17, 2010 in sports

WHOA!!!!  My homie Casey Mac showed me this:

The expression on my face while watching that crazy kid looked something like this:

This is beyond madness!  This isn’t even Sparta!  I mean that kid is nine years old!!!! Nine!!!! What could you do when you were nine?  Basic algorithm?  Super Smash Brothers?  This little dude’s life is set!  Have you ever seen a kid with a brighter future?  I even heard Santa fired Rudolph to hire this kid’s future to guide his sleigh through one foggy Christmas Eve.  If he’s not in the NHL in 10 years I will give you my first born! Not really though.  But you know what I will do with my children?

1.  I’m naming my first boy Tom.

2.  I’m naming my second boy Brady.

3.  I’m breeding them both to be superstar athletes.

4.  Don’t ask me what I’m gonna do if I have girls.

I envision both little Tom and Brady to look something like this at the age of 1.  This is totally not a picture of me by the way.

I’m going to have both little Jus develop an immaculate golf swing in the summer, which will translate into supreme chick-magnet ability a la Tiger Woods’.  But during fall winter and spring, one of my boys will specialize in precise ball projecting–he’s going to become a star quarterback, knockdown bball shooter, and lights-out pitcher.  Instead of watching Toy Story, he’ll be watching Tom Brady’s throwing motion, Ray Allen’s buttery shot, and Jon Lester’s delivery.  The other mini-Ju will become a 4.2 second 40 yd dash, spectacular catch, wide receiver, dangle-sauce hockey player, and power hitting slugger.   Instead of watching The Lion King, he’ll be watching film of Larry Fitzgerald, Sidney Crosby, and Albert Pujols’ swing.  In their off days, they’ll also focus on freestyle skiing, which everyone needs to see more of! It’s amazing!

Damn, my kids are going to be the most popular kids at school.  And while both of my boys will be playing offensive positions in football, they will still be able to hold their own if they ever have to play defense.  They’ll be able to hit as hard as this six-year-old by the time they’re five:  (skip to the 24 second mark if you’re really too lazy to fully watch a 30 second clip.)

Pause from my kids for a second.  Did you see that six year old’s hit?! How many supplements does the kid in the black uniform take?  What’s his bench weight at?  Don’t tell me you didn’t either crack up uncontrollably or look something like that jungle creature I posted above.  The poor victim flew like 10 feet!  Holy s**t!  Is that child still alive?  Does his body still function?

By the way, which toddler-toss is better, this, or Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder?

Anyway, I’m going to have the coolest kids imaginable.  The only dilemma I can see with me breeding my children to become super athletes is, what if they play each other in the future?  What if Tom can’t throw Brady a record 24 TD passes in an NFL season (breaking the Brady-Moss 23 in ’07) because they don’t play on the same team?  I wish I could ask Archie Manning, but it’s just not the same!  I can’t choose between two MVPs!  Archie has it easy, he has one MVP and one scrub of a s**thead who got his job only because his big bro is Peyton Manning.  Yup, thats the only problem I can imagine with force-feeding my children egregious amounts of sports information and knowledge.  Nothing else.

Crap, I’m gonna be the worst dad ever.  But hot damn, I’m going to have some super children.

  1. That is a great hockey video man! Keep em coming.


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