Posts Tagged ‘boston’

Two and a Half Months

Posted: June 9, 2011 in sports
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March 25 marks the last time I posted anything.  Somewhere between deciding that I don’t wanna take the communications path anymore, being sucked in by the in intrigue of wearing a suit to class and BU’s gorgeous School of Management, and my extreme laziness, I stopped writing.

BU’s School of Management.

I wrote the last post, about the grittiness of hockey, two and a half months ago.  That’s a considerable chunk of time right there.  Two and a half months can cover an entire summer.  It’s enough time to make several grand, or phase a trimester during pregnancy, or turn a puppy into a dog.  But nothing that takes two and a half months is exciting, raw, physical, or intense as the Stanley Cup playoffs.  And after last night’s pure domination by the American based Bruins over the Canadian based Canucks, I just had to write something.  I just have so many emotions!!!!

Vancouver’s team is stacked like pancakes.  So much talent not even a Space Bag could compress and contain it all.  The Canucks boast Sweden’s two best players, the identical Sedin twins (who happen to look identical to aliens as well,) America’s best skater in Ryan Kesler, and Canada’s best goalie (at least during the regular season anyway,) Roberto Luongo.  Skillz that killz spilling all over the place with these guys.  But unfortunately for them, the Stanley Cup is 10% luck, 20% skill, 99% concentrated power of will,  5% pleasure, 50% Canucks in ruins, 100% reason to remember the Bruins.  Because so far, even though the series is tied 2-2 and Vancouver still owns home ice advantage in this now best of 3 games series, the B’s are the better team, and their concentrated power of will is willing away the Canucks.

The martian twins and RoCHOKEo Luongo arrived in Boston sitting on a lofty 2-0 lead.  But game one was won with 18 seconds left, game two on a fluke play in OT.  In terms of level of hockey play, this series was tied 1 a piece; the B’s matched every step the Canucks took.  Then the series arrived in the USA and the Canucks suffered a serious beating.  8-1 in game 3, 4-0 in game 4.  Chara and the D shutting down Vancouver’s potent power play, Thomas and his pads lights out.  On the other end, polar opposite Roberto Luongo getting pulled.  After these last few games, I am supremely confident in the Bruins.  No visible weaknesses–the offense is stepping up, role players are pulling more than their own weight, and Thomas is nothing short of spectacular.  No questions lingering.  Wait no that’s a lie.  I do have one question.  After all the raping the Bruins have dished out to punk bitch Alexandre Burrows, I’m left wondering what’s bigger:  the diameter of Burrow’s asshole, or the diameter of each of the five gaping holes in Lu’s goalie play?

It’s really a toss up at this point.  But one thing’s for sure: both diameter’s are massive, and Burrows deserves it.  In fact, the entire Canucks team deserves to continue to be trainwrecked at the hands of the Bruins.  The squad of dirty players just keeps pulling acts of egregious scumbaggery.  The biting and not receiving a suspension was one thing.  Just a little bloody finger.  Whatever.  Scumbag move, but nothing serious.  Then came the open ice hit on Nathan Horton.  Dirty Dirty hit.  I could have microwaved a bag of popcorn in the time between Horton releasing the puck and Aaron Rome delivering a cheapshot.  And then last night, as if he didn’t learn his lesson, Alexandre (who spells Alexander the wrong way,) Burrows whacks Tim Thomas’ stick.  Good thing Thomas showed that bitch who’s boss.  Because in the physical department, the Canucks can’t go head to head with the Bruins.  They’re trying to beat Boston with Boston’s game.  And I hope they keep trying.

Oh by the way the Sox have won 5 straight and are 5-0 in Yankee Stadium this year.  And lead the AL East and have the third best record in the bigs at 35-26 after that miserable 2-10 start (that’s 33-16 since, for those of you that can’t subtract.)  I guess that’s pretty cool too.


Umm… Celtics?

Posted: February 24, 2011 in sports
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Did I just watch Inception or something?  Cause my confuse-o-meter is going bananas.  What in the hell could the Celtics possibly have been thinking when they traded Perk and Nate for OKC’s Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic?  Nenad who??  Krstic?  How do you even pronounce that?  And dumping Semih Erden and Luke Harangody for a 2nd round pick from the Cavs?  What’s up with that?

Last time I checked, the Celtics own the best record in the East are competing for an NBA title.  And last time I checked, you don’t win NBA titles by shipping off defensively and reboundly (love making up words) proficient players.  Semih had been an up and coming young center, but he’s gone too.  KG can’t play center and neither can Not-Big-Enough-Baby.  That Nenawhatever the fuck (this trade agonizes me so much that I’m not even going to star out my swears anymore.) guy that we traded for is a center who averages 4.4 rebounds per game.  That leaves us with… ABSOLUTELY NOBODY to fill the void at the center position until Shaq returns, and who knows how long he’ll last.  We get it, Danny Ainge, you’re proving you don’t need to compensate, but we still need big guys on the squad!

And you don’t trade the little man that ignites the bench and energizes the team.  Nate was like three packs Duracell batteries dunked in a bunch of shots of 5 Hour Energy, all sake-bombed into cups of Red Bull and Monster.  And the Celtics would drink that shit.  That shit was good.

Who’s gonna jump on Big Baby’s back and wipe his drool?

Who’s gonna flip over Paul Pierce?

This just doesn’t stack up for me.  The Celtics have the best shot at winning a championship this year, before Miami plays more cohesively, before the Amarelo Stoudanthony build yet another evil empire in New York, before the Lakers remember the damage they’re capable of dishing, and most importantly, before our big 3’s bones turn to dust because they’re all senior citizens.  Now that the front office has drastically diminished our chances of making that title run happen, we Celtics fans can no longer expect rings.  I won’t be surprised if we lose in the first round of the playoffs.  The C’s had no need to rebuild either; Perk and Rondo were supposed to be the future of the club.  Now Perk’s gone, leaving Rondo guessing at who his veteran co-leader will be when he has to develop the young guns.  So what in the flying fuck was Danny Ainge thinking?  This better be some secretly brilliant Bill Belichick-Randy Moss-trade type shit.

I don’t drool over 90 foot alley-oops like an idiot.

Sweet dude, D-Wade threw a 90 foot pass.  Sweet LeBron, you caught it and laid it in.  Then you proceeded to scurry back to the other side of the court like it was nothing and you’re focused on defense or something.  Quit the facade, we all know in your head you just had a huge orgasm.  Underreacting to a play often ups your douchebaggery level more than overreacting does.  Words of wisdom LeBron: if a 90 foot alley-oop against the Pacers is a season highlight for you, which it will be because we all know you’ll go home at the hands of the Celtics again, at least relish the moment and celebrate.  Flex your guns or something.  In the meantime, I’ll enjoy Boston’s ways of winning without unnecessary and overly dramatic plays.

Somehow, the team-player theme resonates through Boston teams, (goes to show how f*cking awesome and smart the city is,) and it results in W’s.  This year Tom Brady threw the most touchdowns and the Pats scored the most points.  Wait–is it too soon to talk about the Pats?  If you can’t endure it, just skip down a few lines.  Anyway, Tom Brady threw the most touchdowns, but I can’t replay more than a couple of them in my head.  Know why?  Because the vast majority of them were casual, well executed touchdowns.  I’ll take a sh*tload of perfectly thrown 7 yard touchdowns any day over a few 50 yard one-handed catch touchdown bombs that earn Sportscenter top 10 spots.  7 yards from a touchdown usually implies the Pats methodically dismantled a defense to get there, and a ball caught with two hands means Tom Brady threw a strike; one handed catches imply bad throws.  I don’t need a 90 yard Vick-Jackson touchdown to waste my pride on, I’ll take a 14-2 season instead (I’ll gut whoever mentions the Jets.)  Anyway, the Celtics operate with the same mentality, and guess what: we’re the best team in the east.  Besides the flash Rondo provides, the team has no need for excessive plays.  If we can find ways to easily lay the ball in, why waste energy on cross-court passes?  The results speak for themselves, we’re ahead of Miami.  I’ll cash in my teams’ highlight reels for wins all day erryday.

A sick, twisted joke.  I’m ashamed to be a Boston University Terrier.  They lost last night to Harvard in the consolation game of the Beanpot, while our arch-rival Sunday schoolers who live in Newton but brand themselves “Boston” College Eagles won the Beanpot, again.  We lost to Harvard!  HARVARD!!!!  A bunch of skinny twig nerds who rate their women using the formula 2n + 1 where n is the girl’s actual hotness out of 10.  So a girl who is a 4 anwhere else is a 9 at Harvard because thats how ugly that disgusting community of book dwelling anti socials is.  And we lost to them.  In the consolation game.  I thought blowing a 3rd period lead in the first game of the Beanpot against BC, to lose in overtime, right after I talked a bunch of sh*t to my BC friends that I saw at the game, was insulting enough.  Apparently not.  Remember that time a few months ago when BU was ranked number 1 in the country for one week?  Well that was a f*cking tease.

Hockey and paces are fu*king awesome

Posted: February 4, 2011 in sports
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Who saw last night’s Bruins-Stars game?  Check it:

3 fights in 4 seconds?  2 goals for the Bruins in 1:20?  That’s so damn awesome, that if you spread those numbers out for an entire game, you’d end up with 900 fights and the B’s would win 45-0!  900 fights!!!! 45 to nothing!!!!  There’d be so many hats on the ice the mad hatter would become be happy.  I love keeping track of paces.  Paces are the best.  Like that time last year when the Patriots took a giant sh*t on the Titans, 59-0.  Tom Brady threw 5 touchdowns in 9:44.  If you spread that out over an entire season, Brady would have thrown 493 touchdowns!  Peace out Brett Favre’s career record!

Anyway, go watch more hockey.  It involves  all human skill sets: speed, strength, agility and an absurd amount of coordination.  Hockey’s great.  So is NHL 11.

Four Celtics named All-Stars

Posted: February 4, 2011 in sports
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Yeah, our TEAM is that good.

Team captain, scorer and clutch moment performer no.1, Paul Pierce

Big man, star defender, and emotional leader Kevin Garnett

Three point and pure shooting specialist, clutch moment performer no.2, Ray Allen

Tempo setting, ball hawking, quarterbacking assist disher Rajon Rondo


If that’s not the definition of a team, I don’t know what is.  Each of these integral players is no more important than the others; these four all-stars are like a US Navy Seal team–when they communicate and work in sync, you and terrorist radicals are dead.  And the Black Mambas and Heat could definitely pass or terrorist clans.



I was pissed last night.  Pissed that the Patriots weren’t pummeling the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers by at least 21 points at the end of the first quarter.  Pissed that they went into the locker rooms at half without the lead.  Pissed that we only won by four points.  Yeah, I was pissed that we beat a very good playoff team.  Because the margin of victory was slim.  Am I an a**hole for for being angry that the Patriots barely beat the Packers when fans of the Panthers or Bills or Bengals would celebrate such a victory like it was a holiday?  Probably.  But guess what.  I’m from New England, and all we do is win, win, win, no matter what.  I expected a 28 point victory last night.  No joke.  Four touchdowns.  I expected Tom Brady to throw for 300+ yards and 3+ touchdowns, and I expected first time starter Matt Flynn to throw for less than 150 yards and at least 3 INT.  Give credit to the Packers, because none of that happened.  They gave it their all, and if Rodgers’ noggin was good to go, they probably would ended Brady’s four-year regular season home win streak.  I wasn’t the only one who was pissed last night.  Belichick and Brady were too.  Look out NFL, because you know what happens when BB and Tom are pissed, this:

You know what happens after this happens?  The Patriots fire up their afterburners and become more unstoppable than that train movie with Denzel and the main character from Star Trek.  The Pats tear apart their opponent, then maybe let them score a field goal, only so they have an excuse to drop 20 more points.  Sunday’s near loss surprised all of New England and served as a rude awakening for the Patriots.  Like the ’07 games against the Eagles and the Ravens, Sunday brought the superhuman Pats back to Earth.  Would I have liked to see a 40 point victory instead of a four point victory?  Of course.  But what this game brought to New England besides the W was a reminder that you can’t steamroll ’em all; you can’t afford to be sloppy against playoff caliber teams.

The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.  I’ll be at the next game after that, against the Dolphins, and I can’t wait to see the killa B’s (BB and Brady) put Dolphins on the endangered species list.  Here is my professional artist’s rendition of it:

The most recent case of lackluster Pats’ play prior to Sunday came against the Browns in a 34-14 defeat.  Take a wild guess at what happened over the next five games.  New England scored 39, 31, 45, 45, and 36 points in five obliterations of opponents, four of them coming against likely playoff teams.  Sunday was a similar situation (except we managed to get a win.)  The last time, five games of domination ensued.  You know what happens after five games this time around?  This:

Last time I checked…

Posted: December 16, 2010 in sports
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Ankles aren’t supposed to bend 90 degrees sideways.

This ankle sprain usually spells lingering trouble for an ordinary basketball player, like inferior guards such as Derrick Rose.  Luckily for us Celtics fans, Rajon Rondo aka my favorite player in the NBA/the flyest baller on the face of the earth/the most stylish dude ever/jump out of seat ridonkidonk point guard is no ordinary basketball player.  He’ll bounce back strongly in a few weeks, because ballers that do this:

possess super-human abilities.  (By the way, even his webpage is stylish!  Rondo leads the NBA in assists, averaging over three dimes more per game than number two Steve Nash.  Not only does he dish the rock, but RR’s ability to single-handedly electrify an arena and control the pace of a game is enough for me to watch the Celtics long after the big three retires.  If he’s zipping around the court it’s a quick back and forth game, but if for some reason he’s having an off-night, the game speed slows down.  Teams around the NBA should try to develop more Rondo like point-guards rather than point-scorers; there are four other players on the court that can be given the bucket sinking task.  Even though a team may lose point production from their PG, this loss is made up for, and then some, by the point guard finding wide open looks for his teammates.  Along with a conglomeration of awesome that defines “awesome,” Rondo defines the point guard position.  The Celtics this season can be summed up by this chemical equation:

9Rr (g) + 34Pp (g) + 5Kg (g) + 20Ra (g) + 36Sq (g) + BeNCH (g) –> Championship

Notice all of the elements’ states are (g) for great.  Note that bench is also key compound in making a championship team.  Until Rajon comes back, his void will be filled by the little guy.  I hold the greatest confidence that he will play better than he celebrates.

Sidenote:  Fun fact of the day!  Assists are nicknamed dimes in basketball because back in the 1960s, a pay phone cost dime.  Every time you call someone, you’re making a connection, so the term transferred into basketball, substituting for “assist,” so one day people could write “Rajon Rondo must be rich off all his dimes!”

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New York is so unique right now.  Unique in that no other city is enduring a couple of the most horrific sports weeks in recent memory, while Boston sports teams are flourishing.  And I’m lovin’ every bit of it.  Lets take a closer look at the past few weeks:


New York

  • Rex Ryan talks trash (big surprise there)
  • The Jets fail to score a touchdown as the Patriots steamroll them 45-3
  • The following week, the Jets show they are no more than an average football team by once again failing to score a touchdown in a defeat against the Dolphins, in New York
  • The Jets resort to dangerous cheating, as strength coach Sal Alosi instructs 5 players to stand in a wall as he tries to trip Nolan Carroll.  He receives an indefinite suspension
  • Giants’ WR Steve Smith undergoes knee surgery, out for season


  • Bill Belichick makes a joke out of Rex Ryan’s trash talking
  • The Patriots do not allow the Jets a touchdown, as they steamroll Gang Green 45-3
  • The following week, the Patriots show they are no less than the best team in the NFl, by once again smoking an opponent in a 36-7 Bear-killing, in Chicago, in blizzard-like conditions
  • The Patriots resort to stomping opponents with passing, rushing, defense, and special teams.  All Patriots staff and players are eligible to participate in week 15.
  • All Patriots WRs stay healthy

I won’t rip on Steve Smith’s injury, because us Boston fans know all about season ending knee injuries.  I’m of course talking about Tony Allen attempting to dunk well after the whistle blew and landing on his knee awkwardly, tearing his ACL and MCL, literally adding insult to injury during an already atrocious season that ended 24-58.

Obviously, I was referring to this and this only.  Nobody else.

But I am going to rip on the Jets… and ohhhh boy do I love ripping on the Jets.  If Katy Perry rewrote “Hot N Cold,” she would include a line about the Pats and Jets somewhere.   I can’t remember a time when the Jets sucked so much and the Patriots were so awesome.  No wait, actually I can: 2001-2009.  This time it’s different though, because Rex Ryan fooled so many people into thinking the Jets were an elite team.  All of his talk convinced America that barely scraping by piss poor teams was the Jets playing “resilient” and “tough” football.  The Jets phonied their ways to the tops of experts’ power rankings and tricked themselves into thinking they were legitimately an elite 9-2 team coming into Foxboro.  During the Monday night game against the Pats, either after the Patriots’ 10th touchdown or Mark Sanchez’s 51st interception (I can’t remember which one), I took a picture of this Jets fan:

My brother took this picture of Rex Ryan after the game.  Almost identical, no?  The only difference I can see is Rex Ryan weighs about 400lbs more than the Jets fan.

For me, watching a Jets fan in a state of severe shock because they foolishly believed their team stood a chance against the Patriots is much more satisfying than seeing their usual face when they play us.  Because the Jets’ record normally truthfully reflects their actual ability to play well, disloyal New York fans usually don’t care and look like this during the NFL season:

Since Jets fans regularly expect the annual two tallies in the L column thanks to the Patriots, it becomes a rarity for us New England fans to see what I so brilliantly captured.  Thus, when we become lucky enough to witness this abnormality, our football fanhood is wonderfully satisfied.

Week 13’s annihilation seemed as good as it gets, until the Jet’s lost at home to Dolphins in week 14.  In a short span of six days, the Jets tumbled from first in the division to playoff berth in jeopardy.  There isn’t much to talk about how poorly they played against Miami; their execution was straight up pathetic tp the point where the only successful task they managed to achieve on this glorious Sunday was Sal Alosi tripping a Dolphin.  Give him credit, guys.  Can you trip a dolphin?  Have you ever even tried tripping a dolphin?  Have you even seen a dolphin?  Alosi tripped that which can not walk.  Pretty amazing if you ask me.  Jokes aside, is this what Rex Ryan preaches after 45-3 defeats?  Is this his definition of rebounding and proving they are for real?  The only for real I have for them is, fo’ real, Rex?  Seriously?  Tripping players is your way of winning against a mediocre football team?  When was the last time anyone saw a championship caliber club commit the stupidest action imaginable?  Doesn’t Sal Alosi know at any given point during an NFL game, at least 14 camera men are filming you?  The organization is in shambles right now.  Luckily, I’ve never been unfortunate enough to catch the crappy disease, but can a New York sports fan tell me if it’s contagious?  Because I think it’s spreading to…


New York

  • Knicks have an eight game winning streak before hosting the Celtics
  • Knicks have a one game losing streak after hosting the Celtics


  • Celtics have a ten game winning streak before playing the Knicks
  • Celtics have an eleven game winning streak after playing the Knicks

Good for the Knicks.  Seriously.  I’m happy that they’re playing well this year, because it’s getting boring to see the Celtics win with ease.  But Wednesday’s game against Boston served as another slice of comic relief for me during finals week here at BU.  Paul Pierce’s game winning shot with 0.4 seconds remaining is fairly soul-crushing as it is for New York fans, but A’mare? Am’are? Ama’re?  Amar’e?  Yeah, I think that’s where the apostrophe goes.  Anyway, as disheartening as it was for Knicks fans to have Pauly P drain a winning bucket, Amar’e Stoudemire just had to sink a game winning three.  Psych! The ball left his hands after the buzzer sounded!  Haha!  Suckers! All of you fans at Madison Square Garden jumped out of your seats for nothing!  As BC fans say to me, sucks to BU!!!!  (It actually doesn’t suck to BU, because our school is actually in Boston.  I can walk to the Prudential Center or Fenway in ten minutes.  “Boston” College is in Newton.)


New York

  • Yankees fail to sign Cliff Lee, who signs with the Phillies for $30M less
  • Yankees suck
  • Mets do not make any moves, they continue to be garbage


  • Red Sox trade for Adrian Gonzalez
  • Red Sox are f**king awesome
  • Red Sox sign Carl Crawford

I love Cliff Lee.  Always have, and now always will.  Mooching a few free meals and time from the Yankees and making Brian Cashman look like a bumbling idiot of a sucker boosts Cliff Lee near the middle of my “Most Awesome Athletes Power Rankings.”  The middle is actually quite good, because nobody comes within 100 feet of Tom Brady in my book.  Plus, Lee is by far the flashiest player in the MLB.  Remember that video I posted a in my last entry?  Well here it is again, because I can’t stop drooling over his calmness during the World Series. (I can’t embed it.)  Anyway, the Yankees offered him a 7 year $150M contract, but he told Cashman F U and returned to the Phils for 5 years and $120M.  Suck it Yankees, money bought you jack diddly squat this offseason, and you will eternally suck.  Have fun finishing second to the Red Sox this year in the AL East.  Wait, third.  I keep forgetting the Rays are pretty good.

Do I even have to talk about the Mets?  Should I feel some pity for how terrible they are?  Nah.

All in all, its been a rough (but deserved in my eyes by default of me being a Boston native) few weeks for scumbag New York fans.  So rough that it consumed all my time and I barely said a word about how awesome Boston sports teams are doing.  But I talk enough about that already, and it’s expected.  Hope times like these continue!

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