Posts Tagged ‘football’

AARON RODGERS PUT DA TEAM ON HIS BACK.  24/39 for 304, 3 TD, 0 INT.  Now that’s what I call an MVP performance by a stud who’s going to stick around for a long time.  As miserable as these past three weeks have made my life, last night’s silver lining set me into natural high mode, stoked to see Aaron Rodgers and a deserving team bring the Lombardi trophy to its root organization.  The Packers textbookedly (I think I just made up a word) won the football game–they jumped out to an early lead, capitalized off Pittsburgh’s blunders, and made big plays when they needed them.  The 3rd and 10 Aaron Rodgers skinny post to Greg Jennings late in the 4th quarter that for all intents and purposes sealed the game served as a microcosm of two individual season story lines:  Gweg Jennins puttin da team on his back, and Aaron Rodgers excelling into extraterrestrial unconscious mode.  The Super Bowl overall earns a 9/10 for me.  (Last year was probably an 8/10, 9.5 for the Cards-Steelers, and a negative 900/10 for Feb 3, 2008, the date that never existed.  Not on my calender anyway.)

Congrats to the elite organization of the Pittsburgh Steelers for making it to yet another title game.  There’s no shame in losing to Aaron Rodgers.

Go Pack go, congratulations to the entire organization and Aaron Rodgers.


So long to another NFL season, perhaps the last for a few long years.  Glad it ended on a positive note.


Look at what Aaron Rodgers is rocking around his neck!  You know what it is!  Black and yellow Dre Beats!! Where can I get myself a pair?!  By the way, is every Packer-owned object composed at least partially of the color yellow?  The beats A-Rod and Greg Jennings (right behind the sex machine) are wearing, Rodgers’ yellow Nike swooshed backpack, and even Jennings’ camera has yellow accents (a black and yellow camera, of course.)

I can also deduce two facts from the button on Rodgers’ suit:

1.  Aaron Rodgers knows his suit code.  See how the top button is buttoned and the bottom one is left unbuttoned?  On a two button suit, you never button the bottom button.  It’s just suit code.  Aaron Rodgers knows his suit code.

2.  Rodgers had been listening to tunes before he buttoned the suit.  See how the wire runs underneath the button?  Just something I noticed.


Anyway, I leave you with these two Packer bits:

I got this shirt and you should get it too!  Visit


and numero dos, you know what it is:


Big ups to my dawg George for introducing me to awesome blog topics

What the balls?!?!?!

Posted: January 28, 2011 in sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

I just learned that the Packers have not trailed by more than 7 points at any time this season.  You’re telling me they lost six games this season, and at no point were they two possessions away from tying or taking the lead?  Aaron Rodgers could have tied the game with one drive every time the Packers were losing?  Yup.  Super Bowl lock.  Just give ’em the belts now and get it over with.  But while we wait… more Rodgers faces!!!!  YAY!

Look at my hands.  They’re saying, “Was that a serious f*cking question?  You must be joking right?”  Oh man, reporters are sofa king stupid.


Still thinking of a caption… I got nothin’.



I know I’m being photographed right now… so I’m gonna give that half smirk half focus look… and I’m purposely not going to look at the camera.  You all know what I’m talking about.


Because a photograph cannot play audio, I will let my facial expression tell the viewer I am screaming “OHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH.”


Check it out, I’m Batman.

I swear, Aaron Rodgers knows when photographers are taking pictures of him.

Chad ____ is changing his name again, reverting back to his original last name, Johnson.  But I’m not here to talk about that.  I’m here to talk about what a value he is to the NFL and any team he signs with.  Now, obviously I am in no way affiliated with the NFL or the Cincinnati Bengals organization, but from a football fanatic who generally knows what he’s talking about, here’s my take on the entertaining superstar bundle of talent that is 85.

First and foremost, WR ability is naturally the most relevant characteristic of a WR in the NFL (duh,) so naturally we must talk about this before his antics and personality.  Not much to argue for here, I think everyone agrees with me when I say he definitely possesses top tier talent and in the right system, can flourish into an explosive playmaker (more than he already is.)  Seven 1000 yard seasons, six Pro Bowl selections, two first-team All Pro years–his credentials speak for themselves.  But perhaps the most impressive aspect surrounding his skills as a wideout is that he’s put up these numbers on the Bengals, a team that has struggled for much of the 2000’s.  Imagine what he could have done, or could potentially do (we’ll get to this part later,) with a Brady or Manning or Brees.  We know how Randy Moss set records when he came to New England, we know how the Saints passing game dramatically improved with the addition of Drew Brees.  What if 85 played for a perennial playoff contender?  Maybe his 1000 yard seasons become 1400 yard seasons, maybe his 9 touchdown seasons become 12 touchdown seasons, maybe he earns a couple rings and locks himself into the Hall of Fame, year of 20??

I still remember watching this live on Monday Night Football.  85 Caught a deep over the shoulder ball early in the game against the Ravens.  Crystal clear in my mind.

So what if ______ happened?  What if he played for _____?  I honestly don’t know.  But what I do know is one stone cold fact:  85 has been and is still one of the marquee receivers in the NFL.  It’s no coincidence that the two years the Bengals played in the postseason, 85 had a few of his career’s best years.  But as good of a player as he is, we all know 85 brings more than just pure talent to the table.

To anyone who has a problem with his antics, shut your traps; 85’s comedy doesn’t land him in jail or dunk him in deep sh*t.  I mean the dude doesn’t even drink.  What Ochocinco says or does is purely driven by the best intentions, and after following him on Twitter for quite some time now, you realize he’s just a happy charismatic entertainer.

Sidenote: Follow ochocinco on Twitter.  Buy the Apple app Mad Chad.  You won’t be disappointed!

You have a problem with him putting on a Hall of Fame 20?? jacket?  Cover him better.  You have a problem with him putting the football with a pylon?  Cover him better.  You have a problem with him comically slipping money to a ref?  Child please, go to the store and buy yourself a sense of humor, because you obviously weren’t raised with one.

Scoring TDs, sinking putts.

You can’t tell me you wouldn’t laugh at this if you saw it live.

It’s not like 85 is (literally) shooting himself in the leg at nightclubs, getting caught drunk or with weed, making dogs fight, or murdering anyone; he is out there having fun and loosening up the tight NFL air.  As I’ve said before, I’m a huge sucker for fun on the field, and 85 epitomizes the proper way of balancing work, fun, and staying out of trouble.  I can name you 10 guys who have been in trouble with the law in recent years–I can’t tell you 85 is one of them.  He once said about former Green Bay cornerback Al Harris, “There are two things for Brother Harris this week. The bad thing is, he has to cover me. The good is he can save 15 percent by switching his auto insurance to Geico.”  Please point out to me how this line hinders a team.  That’s right.  You can’t.  It’s fun, good spirited, and hilarious.

Now while 85 can be a comedy genius, it is also said that he can also cause rifts in the locker room.  Y’all might think I’m crazy when I say this, but it’s not his fault.  Under a competent coaching staff, any player can be tamed (see Moss, Randy, 2007.)  So let’s all squash the myth right now that Ochocinco is some sort of devlish villain who tears up teams.  He is, invariably, a great benefit to the NFL.  Let’s take a look at some facts:

-85 is the best player on the Bengals

-The Bengals are the bottom feeders of the NFL (exceptions: 2005 and 2008)

That’s all we need right there.  If you are a superstar WR on a struggling franchise and you are not frustrated like 85 is, you either have down syndrome or you don’t care.  Well Ochocinco cares.  Ochocinco wants to win.  Ochocinco is frustrated.  You got a problem with a premier athlete wanting to win?

So what does the future hold for 85?  Marvin Lewis will remain the Bengals coach next season, and the owner of the organization already expressed holding on to Carson Palmer.  So unless Ochocinco leaves, I envision more of the same: putting up good numbers on an irrelevant football team instead of putting up exceptional numbers on a contending team.  Where would he go?  Rumors have been floating around saying he sees himself in New England, and as a crazed Patriots fan, I could actually see this working, and I absolutely love the idea.  Both sides complement the other: 85 needs a winning organization, the Patriots need a receiver that can catch a ball that’s thrown more than 10 yards.  It could be similar to a Randy Moss 2.0: an aging superstar talent on a struggling (struggling in our New England eyes.  If you live in a different city that envies the best team in the NFL, I’m sorry) team.  I think it could revitalize Ochocinco’s career as well as earn him a ring all while displaying his drive to win and staying out of negative media, because everyone knows when you win, it’s all fine and dandy, and guess what:  the Patriots only win.  Bill Belichick can make anything work.  Why not this?

A tweet from Stephen Colbert: “Congratulations to the Packers and the Steelers! You’re both a credit to the defunct industries that are your namesakes.”

Nothing like a nice chuckle to kick off the two weeks preceding the Super Bowl.

What a match up, right?  Obviously 2010-11’s clear cut best NFL team failed to advance anywhere in the playoffs, which permanently stole a chunk of my heart, but if the team-that-shall-not-be-named (because I’m still wallowing in my own sulking moping pity, and can not yet stand the sight of the team) had to miss the big dance, I’d want the Steelers or the Colts to rep the AFC all day.  Why?  Because they’re winners, and nothing pleases me more than seeing  winners win and failures fail, at least for extended stretches of time until new eras arrive.  But while Peyton Manning leads Indy, Big Ben extends plays and Dick LeBeau coordinates in Pittsburgh, and you know who coaches the you know who quarterbacked you know whos, these three model franchises should continue to win.  So as far as I’m concerned, the AFC Championship was either going to be a total trainwreck because a non-elite team would represent the AFC or it was going to be a slim silver lining in a disastrous and ultimately failing 2010-11 campaign (for me at least.)  Luckily, the game turned out the right way, and Big Ben worked his magic and raped the Jets on 3rd down, earning a chance at his third Super Bowl ring.  Yeah.  3rd.  Two more than Peyton, just as many as that other dude that has freakishly good looking smooth flowing hair, and enough to probably earn him a Hall of Fame spot.

It wasn’t dumb luck that caused Roethlisberger to mark a 15-1 record in his rookie year in 2004 and miss the Super Bowl by one game (you know who beat ’em,) to actually win one the following year, and to play for another before the age of 30.  Sure the dude is pretty silly when it comes to protecting his dome while riding his motorcycles, but Ben Roell-out-play-extend-isberger has quietly composed an all-time-great-talk worthy resume over the past eight years.  Yes the Dick LeBeau-led Steel defense deserves a ton of credit for the team’s success, but you can’t argue that Ben does not deserve all-time talk unless you also put the Golden Boy #12 in the same boat.  Both quarterbacks won multiple rings early in their careers with tremendous assistance from their defenses, so if you considered Goldilocks a hall of famer pre-2007, you must consider Roethlisberger one too.  He’s accomplished this with an unconvential play extending backyard football method, but he has reached the top nonetheless.  Because the NFL rapidly changes, we sadly have to drop Brees (at least momentarily) from the top tier quarterback level (consisting of Manning and the guy who I’ve run out of alternative names for,) and elevate Big Ben into this category (We can also bump Phil Rivers down to the chum bucket for missing the playoffs on a supposedly stacked team, and because I detest his guts.)  And while it should be obvious that Roethlisberger plays at a top tier caliber, it’s even more obvious that we must include in the “best” talks, this guy:

Gimme that belt, baby!

I’ve been all over Aaron Rodgers’ just-below-belt-region for quite some time (I swear, I’m straight, but this is Aaron F*cking Rodgers were talking about here,) and now that he’s blossoming into an unstoppable force en route to his first Lombardi Trophy, (either with his arm, legs, or swagga, yo,) he earns superstar status and well justified one o’ da most bestest quatabacks in da leeeeeaaague debate.  I didn’t get a chance to write about his phenomenal performance against the Falcons IN ATLANTA, but holy smokes good god hot damn he’s f**king unreal.  Remember earlier how I mentioned that winners should win until a new era dawns?  Well this is a new era dawning.  The Golden Boy-Manning era is sadly coming to a close; lets be real here, the guy who owns the ACL that Bernard Pollard tore is 33 years old, Manning is 34.  Those two supermen aren’t exactly in their youth.  Meanwhile, the flourishing Mr. Cool Aaron Rodgers is just 27 and has a long storied career ahead of him, and I see multiple rings on his fist when it’s all said and done (by the way, Big Ben is just 28,  I think the #12-#18 debate of the 2000’s could easily become a Rodgers-Roethlisberger debate of the 2010’s.)  What we’ve witnessed these past few years serves only as a teaser of what we will, barring severe injury, see this coming decade.  Remember, before 2007, the 50TD man did not possess the pure quarterbacking ability he does now.  Rodgers will only improve, his stats will only inflate, and his hands will only grow heavy with huge rock rings.  However, my boy Aaron Cool did not put up stellar numbers Sunday vs. the Bears–he had an off day, but his team bailed him out.

One of the top 4 quarterbacks in the league can throw for 0 TD and 2 INT and the team can win a league championship?  Holy sh*t, the Packers are good.  I knew all season that their 10-6 record and 6 seed did not reflect their true completeness as a team, but I thought if Aaron Rodgers was going down, the team was coming with him.  Sh*t, they proved me wrong.  Yeah sure, Chicago didn’t have their starting QB for much of the game, but c’mon, how much of an improvement is Jay Cutler over that other dude?  He’d probably throw more picks, and that other dude just about threw two interceptions per dropback.  As far as I’m concerned, the Packers are taking the Super Bowl.  My prediction?  28-24, Rodgers gets his belt.

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Leave comments, what do you guys think?  Am I right about RoethlisRodgers?  Is there another QB I left out (don’t say Phil Rivers, he will forever suck in my book.)

almost as wild as Ratatat…

So much to talk about… so naturally the Pats come first.

Why did the Colts have to lose?  Why?  I wanted the Pats to play them so badly in the AFC Championship game.  I’ve raved about it enough, but I still find it difficult to express how much I love watching the two most dominant franchises of the 2000’s square off on the gridiron.  Nothing beats it.  The only scenario in which the Pats playing the Colts could be matched would be any sort of competition between said matchup and Tom Brady’s hair, in which case the universe would implode and all that we know would go to smithereens.  But me sobbing over the Colts’ L isn’t going to fix anything, and the Jet’s are still checking into Foxboro for Sunday.

If the Colts had to lose to somebody in the playoffs, I would want that somebody to be the Jets.  Instead of playing the Ravens, the Patriots will enjoy their second bye week in a row when Mark Sanchez is sailing balls 10 feet above Braylon Butterfingers’ head.  Either way, the Jets’ trainwreck of an offense will put up squadoosh on the scoreboard.  And what’s even better about an easy opponent is the unjustified sh*ttalking that tags along with it.  Rex Ryan’s memory must be in terrible condition because he seems to have forgotten that barely a month ago this was his face:

I know, pretty priceless image right?  I can’t wait until the Pats blow them out of Sunday again, and Rex still thinks he’s gonna win a Super Bowl.  Gonna go something like, “We got our butts kicked today.  No denying that.  But we’re still going to win a Super Bowl.  We’re still the best team in the league.  The NFL says we’ve been eliminated from the playoffs, but I’m not scared.  I’m not afraid of anything.  We’ll be hoisting that Lombardi Trophy in a few weeks.  It’s personal.”  Can someone just stick a foot in Rex’s mouth at this point?


Next up: the Seattle Seaflukes.

I gotta give it to Matt Hasselbeck, only because he is from the same tiny MA town as me.  He played one hell of a game.  Props to him.  But as good of a performance as it was, I’m pretty sure everyone (including Pete Carroll and the Seahawks) knows the Saints go bird hunting and succeed nine times out of ten, which is why I hate playoff upsets.  Let’s be honest here, the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl is like the Lakers or Celtics not winning the NBA Finals; nobody gives a flying f*ck.  Maybe if Seattle finished 8-8 or better, they would be worthy of big rocks on rings.  Too bad they finished 7-9 and by dumb playoff seeding systems not only did they make the playoffs over the 10-6 G Men, they hosted the 11-5 Saints.  Utter BS.  Go home Seahawks.

Now I know, all y’all haterade sippers are probably saying, “Well Mr. Big Pats fan, the 2001 Patriots were pretty big underdogs too.  By your logic, wouldn’t it be better if the Rams won the Super Bowl, right?”  Wrong.  The 2001 Patriots finished 11-5, plenty worthy of Super status.  But the big difference here is that the 2001 Patriots were the beginning of the best football decade for any team.  Ever.  EVER!  I will name my first born Marshawn if the 2010 Seahawks are followed by three Lombardi Trophies, a perfect regular season, and on their way to a fourth Super Bowl.  Too bad they are a true fluke, and will in all likeliness miss the playoffs next year thanks to a rejuvenated Jim Harbaugh led 49ers or an Andrew Lucked out Cardinals team.


Finally:  AARON RODGERS!!!!

YEAHHHH!!!!  AARON RODGERS!!!! MY DAWG!!!!  Cooler than ice cold!!!!  You show those Eagles who’s boss around here, you prove once again that a conventional QB beats an oddball QB.  Righty QB’s that wear nice divisible numbers such as 12, 18, 9, and that sit in the pocket and deliver strike after strike always beat weird oddball lefty QB’s who wear prime numbers like 7 and run around using physical ability over intelligence.  The only bad part about this now is that somewhere down the road I have to root for Aaron Rodger’s opponent because I don’t want the Pats playing him in the Superbowl.  Did I mention Aaron Rodgers is now a movie star too?  AARON RODGERS!!!!


I feel like Sideswipe after he kills this Audi (except that would never happen in real life cause Audis kick ass.)

At the end he says “Damn, I’m good.”  That’s how I feel, because in the time of my blog’s short existence, I have already sniped a few (obvious as they may be) calls:

1. “As bad as the players looked on Sunday, what was even worse for the Jets is that Rex Ryan has been exposed.” –5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Rex Ryan has now been exposed as a foot loving, game losing, swagger lacking, phony of a coach.  We probably should have known the Jets were going to lose to the bears though, because the Patriots obliterated Da Bears slightly less harshly than they obliterated the Jets.  Thus, Da Bears are slightly better than the Jets, which isn’t saying much.  Since the Patriots exposing Rex Ryan as not all that everyone hyped him to be, the Jets lost to the Dolphins at home, tried to trip a player, and Ryan’s foot obsession has surfaced.  Ouch.

2. “Aaron Rodgers left the game with a concussion and they lost.  He is almost as important to the Packer’s offense as Peyton Manning is to the Colts’ offense.” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Since Rodgers’ noggin slammed into the field, the Packers lost to the atrocious Lions and the Patriots.  Ok, maybe a bad day against Detroit, and New England beats everybody, so its understandable that Green Bay lost twice, right?  Think his absence doesn’t mean that much?  Think again.  As soon as he came  back, he threw for 400 yds and 4 tds 0 int, crushing the Giants 45-17.  And this wasn’t just a beatdown of some crappy team like the Panthers or 49ers or the Carson Palmers.  This game held serious playoff implications: if NYG won they essentially had the wild card locked up.

Related:  Aaron Rodgers not making the Pro Bowl is complete and utter mumbojumbo phony baloney horse sh*t nonsense.  I can understand Vick, but Brees and Matty Ice making it over Rodgers?  It’s only half bull that Brees made it over Rodgers even though Easy Breesy has thrown like four picks a game.  But Matty Ice?  Rodger’s passer rating is 3rd in the league, Ryan’s is 15th.  Rodger’s yards per attempt is 2nd in the league at 8.3, Ryan’s is 27th at 6.4.  Rodgers has more yards and more touchdowns despite missing time.  So what’s the argument here for Matt Ryan?  That he is on a a 1 seed team?  Guess what, Rodgers is going to make the playoffs as well, and when the Falcons and Packers squared off the Pack only lost by three IN ATLANTA.  Even if all of this didn’t matter, Aaron Rodgers still should have made the Pro Bowl just by default of Aaron Rodgers being the f**king man.  I love saying his name if you haven’t noticed.  Just look at how cool Aaron Rodgers looks.  Aaron Rodgers is so godamn cool.  Aaron Rodgers!!!!

He looks like that guy that is secretly smarter than everyone and acts witty and says the funniest sh*t.

Sidenote relating to the Giants because I briefly talked about them and feel like I won’t have a chance of mentioning this until September 2012 if there is a lockout:  I heard the funniest joke from my friend Paul:

Why can’t Eli Manning play primetime games?

Because like his Citizen Eco Drive, he’s powered by light.

3. “a big date with the first-place Falcons in Atlanta (where Matty Ice Ryan is 18-1 in his career) looms just two weeks away.  The way they’re playing, the Saints definitely have the assets to win.  While I can afford to look two weeks ahead into week 16, New Orleans can’t.  They must focus on their big meeting with the defensively-proficient 8-4 (probably 9-4 after Monday Night’s game) Ravens next week” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Wow!  How many birds did I kill with this stone?  I think my snipe/sentences written ratio based off this is an exceptional 1.00.  Ok, so the Ravens beating the Texans was a gimme.  But gimme credit for telling the Saint-haters that they could go into ATL and win.  And that they couldn’t afford to look to far ahead, because they did, and lost to the Ravens, and now their chances of a 1 seed are all but dead.

4. “The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”” -You know what looked really really really strange?

Well well, the Colts beat the Jags, then they beat the Raiders, while the Jags lose to the Redskins.  The Redskins.  Real Native Americans could play better than the Redskins.  And the Jags lost to them.  For everyone that thought the Colts would not win the AFC South, you’re a fool.

Sidenote:  the post I pulled the quote from was titled “You know what looked really really really strange?”  Well, you know what looked even more strange?

So smart for sliding.  So damn smart.  Winners.

5. “The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.”

I’m pretty sure I saw Rob Gronkowski eating some buffalo burger last week.  Nope, wait, I DEFINITELY did.

So there it is, my young blog’s ability to get it right.  Did I purposely look for things that I called right?  Yup.  Did I get things wrong (like the Chiefs being in for a ride down the stretch, cause they weren’t?)  Yup.  Were most of these topics blatantly obvious?  Yup.  Am I just trying to promote myself?  Yup.  Are you probably sitting there thinking “this dude thinks he sniped all this but so did everyone else?”  Yup.  But damn, I’m good.


I was pissed last night.  Pissed that the Patriots weren’t pummeling the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers by at least 21 points at the end of the first quarter.  Pissed that they went into the locker rooms at half without the lead.  Pissed that we only won by four points.  Yeah, I was pissed that we beat a very good playoff team.  Because the margin of victory was slim.  Am I an a**hole for for being angry that the Patriots barely beat the Packers when fans of the Panthers or Bills or Bengals would celebrate such a victory like it was a holiday?  Probably.  But guess what.  I’m from New England, and all we do is win, win, win, no matter what.  I expected a 28 point victory last night.  No joke.  Four touchdowns.  I expected Tom Brady to throw for 300+ yards and 3+ touchdowns, and I expected first time starter Matt Flynn to throw for less than 150 yards and at least 3 INT.  Give credit to the Packers, because none of that happened.  They gave it their all, and if Rodgers’ noggin was good to go, they probably would ended Brady’s four-year regular season home win streak.  I wasn’t the only one who was pissed last night.  Belichick and Brady were too.  Look out NFL, because you know what happens when BB and Tom are pissed, this:

You know what happens after this happens?  The Patriots fire up their afterburners and become more unstoppable than that train movie with Denzel and the main character from Star Trek.  The Pats tear apart their opponent, then maybe let them score a field goal, only so they have an excuse to drop 20 more points.  Sunday’s near loss surprised all of New England and served as a rude awakening for the Patriots.  Like the ’07 games against the Eagles and the Ravens, Sunday brought the superhuman Pats back to Earth.  Would I have liked to see a 40 point victory instead of a four point victory?  Of course.  But what this game brought to New England besides the W was a reminder that you can’t steamroll ’em all; you can’t afford to be sloppy against playoff caliber teams.

The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.  I’ll be at the next game after that, against the Dolphins, and I can’t wait to see the killa B’s (BB and Brady) put Dolphins on the endangered species list.  Here is my professional artist’s rendition of it:

The most recent case of lackluster Pats’ play prior to Sunday came against the Browns in a 34-14 defeat.  Take a wild guess at what happened over the next five games.  New England scored 39, 31, 45, 45, and 36 points in five obliterations of opponents, four of them coming against likely playoff teams.  Sunday was a similar situation (except we managed to get a win.)  The last time, five games of domination ensued.  You know what happens after five games this time around?  This:

The Colts behind the Jags in the AFC South coming into this week’s action.  Good thing Peyton Manning fixed that though.  Wait, did I really just say Peyton Manning?  I’m so used to owning this notion that Peyton Manning=Colts that I must have Freudian slipped my way past the Colt’s team effort against Jacksonville.  Sunday was a rare occasion, an occasion when an Indianapolis victory can not be attributed solely to Peyton Manning’s right arm.  Although he played well, the absent-all-year run game was even better.  You know what else has been absent all year that showed up against Jacksonville?  The run D.  And you know why they showed up when everybody thought Mojo Drew (who had six straight 100 yd games coming into Indy) was going to have himself a field day?  Because the Colts are winners.  The Colts are an elite team.  The Colts get their s**t together when they need to.  Sunday wasn’t the first time Indy’s run D halted a hot tailback in a pressure situation.  Back in Wild Card weekend of the ’06 season playoffs, the Colts, who had the league’s worse run D that year, faced an in-his-prime red hot Larry Johnson and the Chiefs.  Know what happened?  The Colts allowed LJ to run about as well as a 700lb Rex Ryan could.  And you know what happened about four weeks later?  Peyton Manning hoisted a Lombardi trophy.  I’m not saying that the Colts will win the Super Bowl this year, because obviously the Pats are going to, but what I am saying is that such a perennial winner doesn’t lose games like these.

The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”  And its a damn good thing they showed Jacksonville who’s boss.  Because if they didn’t that would mean serious down the road ramifications, detrimental to the NFL’s best interests.  I believe that it is best to have winners keep winning until they are no longer fundamentally sound or they lose their key players.  I’d hate to see the Colts miss the postseason because future superstar WR Austin Collie keeps unfortunately getting his dome rocked, because Dallas Clark is on IR, and because Indy is more depleted than my go-to joke bank after knowing somebody for more than a week.  Last time I checked, Peyton Manning still plays for Indy, which means it would be for the greater good of the NFL if the Colts (and Pats with Tom Terrific for that matter) play past the first week of Janurary.  If the Colts miss the playoffs, (and yes they still very easily can,) I would probably… probably… hmm… I don’t even know what I would do.  It would just be awkward.  It would be uncomfortable.  It would leave me bitter and thinking, “the Colts could’ve beaten them,” if I saw the Jags or Chiefs or Jets playing in a month.  I would be without a  matchup to look forward to for my beloved Pats.  Which AFC team would I root for if the Pats fell (which they won’t?)  The Steelers, who left my favorite non-Patriot NFL player, Larry Fitzgerald in tears following Santonio smoke-weed substance abuse Holmes’ Super Bowl catch?  By the way I’m still convinced he didn’t get that right toe down.  The Ravens, led by whacko Flacco, and Crayzed Lewis?  Don’t even get me started on the Jets.  C’mon Peyton, make it to the postseason.  Do it for Madden!  Put da team on yo back!

Please do.  Because you know what else happens if you don’t?  You finish in second place in the AFC South.  You know what happens, or better yet, doesn’t happen next year if you finish second?  You don’t play New England.  (The way the NFL scheduling works is you play the team that finished in their division the same place that you finished in yours, so for example, if the Colts finish first in the AFC South and the Pats finished first in the East then they play each other the following year.  That’s not the full extent of NFL scheduling but for the sake of saving space that’s what matters for next year between Indy and NE.  And yes the Pats are going to finish first.)  You know what happens if you don’t play New England next year?  I run around in circles pulling my hair out and then cry for 12 months.

The pivotal Colts-Pats game provides unparalleled excitement almost every year.  Think about the past few meetings.  ’06 AFC Championship game:  a Super Bowl berth is at stake.  The Pats roll into halftime with a 21-6 lead, only to lose 38-34 at the end.  ’07:  the unbeaten Pats fend off the unbeaten Colts, 24-21, the smallest margin of victory for the unbeaten Pats that year.  I say unbeaten because for some reason the playoffs didn’t exist that year.  I think the NFL decided to skip a Super Bowl or something.  February 3, 2008 is just a black square on my calender.  Anyway, ’08:  if it wasn’t for Jabar Gaffney dropping the easiest TD I’ve ever seen, (I could’ve caught it,) New England would’ve won, but another close game.  ’09: the Patriots jump out to an early lead, but the Colts come roaring back, stop Brady and company on a 4th and 2 to that would’ve sealed the game, and win, putting a damper on and essentially killing the ’09 Pats’ season.  This year: same deal as last year, except this time it was our defense that made the big play, picking off Manning.  As awkward as it would be seeing a playoff picture without Indianapolis, I think it would be ever awkwardererer seeing a Colts-less Patriots’ schedule.  As a fan of a perennial powerhouse, there must exist that one equal.  The one that is there with your team every step of the way.  The one that has your team’s number half the time.  The one that, if they dropped off, you’d feel something missing.  Thank the heavens the Colts beat the Jags Sunday.  Keep up with the Pats, Peyton, I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t.

Did you notice how Peyton and Eli completely ignored the third Manning brother?  What terrible brothers!  But I bet you not only failed to notice how they ignored their brother, you didn’t even notice the presence of The Forgotten One.  Cooper Manning.  Did you even know a third Manning brother existed?  Man, how much must it suck to be him?  I wonder how many people recognize The Forgotten One on the street.  Scratch that, I wonder how many people who know Cooper know he’s the brother of Peyton and Eli.  What does he even do for a living?  Does he work a miserable 9-5 where every single coworker of his is talking about Peyton or Eli on Monday morning?  Can he support a family?  Maybe when Peyton and Eli are feeling charitable they donate to the Forgotten Brothers of America Foundation.  Damn, it must really blow to be the butt end of all Manning family jokes.  I can see their Thanksgiving dinner table scene going down like this:

Peyton: You know Eli, you shouldn’t wear your Super Bowl ring on your throwing hand.  The ginormous 1,000,000 karat diamonds are so heavy that they can mess with the professional-caliber throwing mechanics that we both inherited from dad.  I learned that from my buddy Tom, who has three Super Bowl Rings, more than our whole family combined!

Eli: Aww shucks, Peyton.  You’re so right.  You’re always right.  You’re so much better than me in every single way.   I always wondered why you wear your Super Bowl ring on your left hand.  Aren’t these rings so cool?

The Forgotten One: F**k you guys.  I’m getting turkey.

Papa Archie: Ah ah ah!  Watch it Cooper!  The two legs on the turkey are reserved for NFL quarterbacks only.  Why don’t you cut yourself a portion of the lesser meat.

How does he feel taking all the s**t from the two brothers?  I bet he takes extra extra crap from Peyton and Eli, because Peyton gives Eli crap for sucking at the NFL so much, so Eli passes Peyton’s crap onto The Forgotten One along with the crap he was originally going to give him anyway!  Does that make sense?  Throw in some direct Peyton–>Cooper crap just for good measure.  And you know what the worst part about it is?  Wait for it… wait for it… The Forgotten One is the oldest of the trio!  Isn’t the oldest sibling supposed to the the man of the house?  The dominant figure?  The one that younger brothers look up too?  Oh man, sucks to be Cooper Manning!