Posts Tagged ‘New’

to the 2007 Pats.  Yeah I know, they never existed, but I had to write a memoir for my communications class so naturally I wrote about the Patriots.  Here it is

 

Devastation Is an Understatement

by

Andrew Ju

 

In ten years nobody will remember the 2007 New England Patriots as the perfect regular season team quarterbacked by a single-season record setting Associated Press MVP Tom Brady, who had fifty passing touchdowns that year, twenty-three of those caught by Randy Moss (also a single-season record.)  Fans will remember the squad as the 18-1, ultimately failing to win the Super Bowl, team that came within a minute of a perfect season.  I will still cringe from the feeling a dagger in my heart at the mere utterance of the 2007 Patriots.  In fifty years, the gang will be long lost beneath the history of organizations that actually won the Super Bowl, but I will be explaining to my grandchildren the most painful heartbreak of my life.

It was February 3, 2008—the date of one of the most anticipated Super Bowls in history: the New York Giants battling the 18-0 New England Patriots, on the verge of completing what would be regarded as the most dominating single season ever.  By a mile.  I dragged a black leather lounge seat in front of the television, ready to celebrate a 19-0, history shattering season with my family.  I did not just expect a victory, I expected the Pats to roll over the 13.5 point spread—I thought for sure the Brady Bunch would put up enough points to win by at least two touchdowns.  After all, New England had essentially steamrolled every opponent that season, so my typical Boston sports fandom cockiness was well justified.  While my parents whipped up their own Super Sunday feast, my brother, who was home from his freshman year at Syracuse University, and I gathered around the TV for the pregame show, eating stereotypical Super Bowl food including wings and Doritos, I paused for a minute to ponder the road to Super Bowl XLII in Arizona.

Backtrack to the previous year’s AFC Championship game.  My brother and I watched at our neighbor and close friend Brent’s house.  In the second quarter against the Indianapolis Colts, the Pats jumped out to a seemingly insurmountable 21-3 lead; certainly Bill Belichick’s astounding head coaching abilities would earn Tom Brady, a dismal Canadian Football League quality receiving squad, and the rest of the team a trip to Super Bowl XLI.  Surely enough, the Patriots choked away the lead, relinquishing the lead and the game with just a little over a minute to play.

“We still have a shot,” I thought, “if there is one qualified QB to march down a field in a minute and a half it has to be Captain Clutch, Tom Brady.”  Brady threw an interception.  Before the game clocks even displayed quadruple zeroes, my brother and I stormed out of Brent’s living room, silently back to our house, disregarding the furniture that we had not put back.  Brent and his family understood.

That offseason, during the ensuing annual NFL Draft, I joyously watched the Patriots trade a fourth-round pick for future Hall of Famer, the Freak, Randy Moss.  This steal of a deal bolstered our awful pass-catching group.  Other additions before the 2007 season started included wideout Wes Welker and Adalius Thomas, who would both prove to be key improvements to the team.  “We’re in for a hell of a year; we’re gonna be” I thought, “Unstoppable.”

I remember the 2007 regular season as vividly as any memory contained in my noggin.  The unforgettable season stuck with me so much that I can still recite stat lines from the first time I watched Randy Moss in a New England uniform.  Week 1 was in the Meadowlands against the Jets; a 38-14 victory that yielded numbers of 22/28 completions/attempts for Tom Brady, 297 yards, three touchdowns, no picks.  Randy Moss reeled in nine catches for 183 yards and a deep touchdown strike.  These stats, to most mean absolutely nothing.  But to me, this was the beginning of something special, which is why I will always keep them stored in my brain—it is impossible for me to forget these stats.  Other memorable victories I will always be able to recite off the top of my head include 48-27 of the Cowboys (who ended up an NFC best 13-3 that season,) 49-28 over the Dolphins, 52-7 over the Redskins, 24-20 over the legitimate Super Bowl contender and biggest Patriots threat Colts, and 56-10 over the Bills.  The best part about these decimations?  They occurred in consecutive games—five straight weeks of sports fan euphoria.  I spent time in fandom heaven.

Witnessing the Patriots writing history on live television never lost its novelty—it was impossible to grow tired of hearing “Brady to Moss.”  On weekdays after school I would plop my pompous New England fan butt in front of the television to watch Sportscenter, where I could watch highlights of an unstoppable force deploying its ordnance on inferior teams.  I basked in my Boston glory and chuckled every time I noticed that on ESPN’s “Bottom Line,” where at the bottom of the TV screen they roll news and scores from the sports world, the headline categories would read NFL, NBA, NHL, and Patriots.

The Pats rolled through the regular season a perfect 16-0, and slept through the playoffs, beating the opposition, playing with their left hands tied behind their backs.  Well, at least it seemed to me like that could happen and we would still win.  On to the Super Bowl.

During the Super Bowl’s traditional annual Media Day, opponent New York Giants’ receiver Plaxico Burress predicted a 21-17 victory for the G Men.  Our boy Tom Brady responded with something along the lines of, “17 points?  C’mon, Plax, we haven’t scored that few all season.”  I fully agreed with Brady; I considered Burress’ words to be utter blasphemy—a bunch of nonsense that would render him a complete fool after the game.  But that’s why they play the game.

Back to February 3, 2008; my parents had finished cooking and eating their meal and my brother and I approached stomach-explosion-stuffed-status as we all anticipated kickoff.  I was situated on my cushiony chair, with my brother to my left hogging an entire couch, and my parents behind us in the kitchen.  Trapped in a deep collective food coma, we expected to breeze by the first half.  That didn’t happen.  Possession after possession, the Giants pounded the front line, pressuring Brady and forcing him to rush the ball, resulting in poor decisions and throws.  It was all right though, because the Patriots entered the locker rooms up 7-3.  “We got this in the bag,” I thought, “after all, nobody’s better than Belichick at making halftime adjustments.”

Then I heard something that planted a seed of doubt in my head for the first time all season.  One of the commentators suggested that, “the Giants are right where they wanna be.”

“Oh shit,” was my initial reaction, “what if he’s right?  No team has pressured the Patriots like this all year.  What if this is the single method to stopping those who can’t be stopped?”  Throughout Tom Petty’s halftime performance, I kept convincing myself that the commentator’s words were crazy talk, intended to rile up the audience and cause commotion.  My family and I would have to wait for the second half.

It turned out that whatever second half adjustments Belichick imposed failed.  The Evil Empire’s football team persisted to pressure Brady as I anxiously watched in full-fledged lockdown-focus mode.  My mom could have told me we were moving and I would not have budged.  With time dwindling, the Patriots trailed 10-7.  No points all half, until finally, with a little over two minutes to play in the game, Brady threw a strike between the 8 and 1 of Randy Moss’ jersey on a slant route in the end zone, regaining the lead, 14-10 Pats.  “Moss!” I said, “Yeah!  Hell yeah!”  The way my brother and I were jumping and screaming, we could have registered on the Richter Scale.  I thought for sure this was it, we had done it, our season had culminated in Arizona with an unprecedented 19-0.  “This won’t happen for another decade—no, century!” I thought.

It wouldn’t happen then either.  Everything that could have gone wrong on the ensuing Giant possession did.  The first Super Bowl sealing opportunity came when New York QB Eli Manning threw a botched pass right to Patriot defender Asante Samuel, who is regarded as a premier defensive back.  The pigskin bounced right off Samuel’s hands.

At the time, I made nothing of it, “Psh.  We’re still gonna win.  They have to drive much too far.”

The Patriots soon forced the Giants into a long 3rd down.  As Manning dropped back to pass, the Patriots defensive line swarmed the blockers and engulfed Manning.  In the midst of the moment, I thought this was the season sealing play.  But through dumb luck, Manning escaped the defenders that had nearly downed him and chucked up the ball in hopes that a Giant would be on the other end.

To this day, I cannot stand what happened next—ask me about it and I will tell you I am bitterer about it than anything that’s ever happened to me.  No name scrub receiver David Tyree used his helmet to catch the ball in a play that happens one in a thousand times.

“Oh, shiiiit.  We might actually lose this.  We might actually end up 18-1.”  My family uttered not a single sound over the next few minutes; our hearts raced, our blood rushed, our adrenaline took over.  The G Men soon found themselves hiking the ball a few yards shy from heaven—heaven that would complete the single biggest upset in sports history.  As the players lined up, I noticed 5’9 Patriot cornerback Ellis Hobbs assigned to a 6’5ish Plaxico Burress.

“Get somebody else on him!” I said to myself, “We’re absolutely fucked if Hobbs is man to man with Burress without any help and the Giants throw a fade route!”

The Giants threw a fade.  Hobbs fell down.  Burress caught the winning touchdown with ease with about thirty seconds left to play.  Nobody said anything.  I had lost hope; I did not even consider that thirty seconds was plenty for Tom Brady and the most prolific offense ever to advance the ball into field goal range where we could tie the game.  “This is the end.  We failed.  This season means jack shit in the big scheme of things.”  My family and I watched as Brady and the Pats failed to move the ball anywhere of significance.

I just sat there, staring blankly.  I did not blink; I did not breathe; my heart did not beat.  Statuesque, I sat there with my on my face.  After a few minutes, my dad broke the silence. “That’s sports,” he explained, “you never know.”

These words not only broke the silence—they shattered my disbelief into pieces and injected my blood with rage and anger and every possible F-bomb, A-word, and female dog synonym combination.  I swear I must have come up with new ways to curse.  Storming out of my chair and past the kitchen, I threw my fist straight as a wall as I passed by it.  The wall stood no chance.  I stomped upstairs, fist bloodied, leaving a hole in the wall in my wake.  After slamming my room’s door as hard as my might would allow me to, I went straight to bed.  It surprised me how fast I fell asleep—something took over that instantly put me out of consciousness.

I woke up the next morning to my mom asking me if I was going to school that day.  Wallowing in my own pity and filth, in a sulking voice, I muttered, “No.”  Usually my mom would force me out of my bed, even if I felt sick—she would tell me to take an Advil and suck it up.  In this case, however, she understood.  I was in no mood to be conducting anything of importance or productivity.  I just wanted to mope and sulk in my bed all day, blankly staring at random things, not thinking about anything.  I must have seemed like someone had died, and to be frank, as ridiculous as it sounds, I felt that way.

I dragged my dismal self to school the next day; it turned out that many of my friends shared the same sentiment.  A good chunk of students, like I, rejected the very idea of school on a Monday following the worst defeat we will ever endure.  People from outside New England find difficulty in understanding our relationship with our beloved sports teams.  They say that they have it worse because their teams always lose.  What they do not understand is you expect your team to crush opponents, a tally in the L column hurts more than usual.  A B- mark may bring joy to a C student, but to an A+ student, that same B- agonizes their entire existence.  I’ve tried every tactic when explaining my story to outsiders—analogies, comparisons but no matter how long I drill the mentality of a New England sports fan, they still think half my high school and I are all crazy.  In retrospect, so much for Plaxico’s 21-17 prediction.  17 points would have made victory possible.  So much for “they have much too far to go,” Asante’ Samuel’s interception would have won the season.  So much for 19-0.  February 3, 2008 was not just a Super Bowl loss; it was the killing of the greatest single season sports team ever.  It stole a chunk of my heart that will never be replaced.

 

AWWWWW YEAHHHH.

 

It’s not just a game

Posted: January 18, 2011 in sports
Tags: , , , ,

The conditions in this picture sum up the past 48 hours of my life.

People keep telling me I need to suck it up, it’s just a game.  People who aren’t from Boston.  People who don’t follow their sports teams as closely or loyally as we New Englanders follow our beloved Pats.  Only my family and friends matter more to me than Boston sports.  We Bostonians cherish every great moment, we try to (but ultimately fail) to forget Aaron f**king Boone and David f**king Tyree.  We hang effigies of opposing coaches and players, we dump half of our income on memorabilia and team logo items, not a single car drives on a windy New England road during game time.  We love our sports teams more than you even like yours.

Nobody from my (or possibly any other) generation, outside of the glorious city of Boston knows what it’s like to have at least two (and most of the time more) perennial playoff teams out of the major four sports.  Nobody knows what it feels like to win three Super Bowls in four years, win two World Series in four years, and an NBA Finals Title, all simultaneously in one decade, while the hometown’s hockey squad plays in the postseason most years.  Nobody knows what it feels like to expect greatness.  One of my better friends, from Cleveland, told me I can’t complain about anything, because Cleveland sports have always sucked.  What they don’t understand is that when you know for sure that teams that are dear to your heart to win, and they don’t, it hurts dramatically more than a crap season.  When Celtics were on their way to a 24-58 record in 06-07, it didn’t hurt; loss after loss became jokes, meaningless wins became even funnier jokes.  The 2009 Patriots went 10-6 and entered the playoffs Wes Welkerless–I didn’t expect a Super Bowl from them.  If you’re from outside of New England, this is how you feel.  You don’t know what I feel after Sunday.  You don’t know the pain such a loss weighs me down with.  You have no right to tell me to “suck it up” or “get over it” or “it’s just a game.”  It’s a game for you, not for me.

Sunday’s defeat places at number 2 on my most painful sports fan experiences, right behind 18-1 and right in front of the 2003 Red Sox.  By now, I’d normally be over any ordinary loss, even any ordinary playoff loss; I was over the Celtics last year after about an hour.  But this game was especially painful.  It’s not just the pain of losing to the Jets, not just the pain of the trash talk leading up to the game, but the pain of the past and future.  It’s that Brady won three Super Bowls before he was a top tier quarterback, at the dawn of an era of dominance, before I became old enough to delve deeply into and obsess over the NFL.  It’s that the Patriots choked away a chance at a Super Bowl in 2006, came a millimeter away from a perfect season in 2007, had 0 chance in 2008 after Brady’s knee, and had a substandard year in 2009.  All I want to see is for in-his-prime Brady and Belichick to earn one more ring to boost them into the “best of all time” talks, to fulfill the desire and need for redemption and satisfaction, to be able to say “we started and finished our careers with rings,” instead of “We started our careers on the best note possible, and it was downhill from there.  A few bad days ruined it all.”  As a fan, you have felt before the joy the Patriots are capable of bringing, you know they have the best shot to win, you know they are heavy favorites, and then they fall flat and stab you in the heart.  You possess a burning need to feel what you felt six years ago.  If some god somewhere gave me the choice of seeing 10 of playoffs with a chance to win, or one definite Super Bowl title with Brady and Belichick retiring immediately after, I’d take the latter in half a heartbeat.  I just want to see them win just once more, for redemption, for closure.

The time for one last Super Bowl is dwindling.  I thought this year was legitimately our best shot after 2007, and I fear next next year may be the last chance.  Yes we have picks 17, 20something, and 33 in the upcoming draft, but three of our offensive line might leave and Brady’s aging, and who knows how long Belichick will stick around.  I fear the time of the Patriots has fled, that the football gods are only going to strike us down more, that what was achieved at the beginning of this millennium may not happen again with number 12 at the helm.  It’s a nightmare to think about.

So before you heartlessly utter the words, “it’s just a game,” know where a New England sports fan comes from.  A decade of being the best and then losing is nothing like a decade of losing with more losing.  Imagine your goal in life is to achieve the best possible grade in a class.  Imagine earning straight A’s in a class for the first year of high school of college, accomplishing the mission.  Then imagine earning an F your sophomore year because you were on your way to a 100%, and on the final exam, you got screwed hard by dumb luck, you don’t receive an A.  In your junior year, you become terribly ill, rendering an A impossible to earn.  Now It’s your senior year, present day, and you have a 98% percent leading up until one of the last assignments.  You choke away an opportunity, and once again you fail to attain the A that you earned three years prior.  You come so close to one of your life’s ambitions, you can smell it and it’s right at your finger tips, but you don’t grasp it.  Now imagine that pain times 100.  That is almost one tenth of 1% of what I feel.

yeah I know the writing is sloppy and there are plenty of typos but it was painful enough to write, I honestly don’t give a sh*t about any typos at the moment and could not endure reading through it all.

Hype Up

Posted: January 15, 2011 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Has there ever been more hype for a game with an 8.5 point spread?  Normally, everyone goes bananas in the weeks leading up to a game between evenly matched powerhouses, because its likely going to be a memorable offensive shootout or defensive chess battle.  Sunday’s game will be:

a) just evenly matched teams, regardless of how good they actually are

b) two powerhouses, regardless of how evenly matched they are

c) an offensive shootout

d) a defensive chess battle

e) none of the above.  Sunday’s game will be a heavily lopsided affair between one powerhouse scoring 30+ points and one joke of a squad scoring 14 or fewer points.

For those of you with reading comprehension disabilities, the obvious answer coming from me is E.  So what makes this rivalry worth talking about?  Is it even a rivalry?  Don’t both teams have to win for this to be a rivalry?  When was the last time the Jets beat the Pats when it mattered, in the playoffs, or in an important regular season game?   Yeah the Jets beat the 2010.1 Patriots in September, but where were they on the national stage in December against the 2010.2 Patriots?  The Patriots have won 12 AFC East titles, the Jets have won 2.  The Patriots have appeared in the Super Bowl 6 times, the Jets have never even won an AFC Championship (their single league title was the AFL Championship.)  Maybe Rex Ryan got something right, maybe Sunday’s game is in fact the 2nd most important game in Jets’ history, only because their lackluster history lacks so much luster.  So what about this game intrigues fans and analysts so much that they talk about it more than a much better, even game between the Ravens and Steelers?  Believe it or not, the unevenness of it all is what attracts us.

All week, the rage has been “Can Mark Sanchez stop sucking?  Can Tom Brady be stopped?”  It’s not about who will win, but how much New England will win by.  All analysts seem to be sharing the general consensus of a less than 45-3 blowout, but a large margin of victory for the Patriots nonetheless.  I’ve been hearing the 35-14 ballpark prediction from just about everyone, but last night when I saw Mark Schlereth on ESPN predict a 20-17 victory for the Pats I had a baby about it.  20-17 Schlereth?  Are you f**king high?  Do you even know who Tom Brady is?  I know you played in the NFL, but are you on crack or something?  Like I said, the unevenness attracts us.  Not just on the field either.

What team sh*t talks the best in the NFL?  It’s the Jets, obviously… psych.  This week showed just how gawd awful the Jets are at everything:  football, trash talk, life, etc.  Breaking down the trash talk day by day, we can clearly see how badly the Patriots owned the Jets this week.

Monday:  Rex Ryan claims “it’s personal” between him and Bill Belichick.  What’s so personal, Rex?  Bill didn’t give you enough attention or something?  You heard nothing from the Pats, proving once again they are the bigger men and don’t meddle with these antics.

Tuesday:  Antonio Cromartie calls Tom Brady an a$$hole, says “f**k him,” says he hates him, and has a problem with Brady pointing to the Jets defense on the sideline after scoring 6 on them.  Are you kidding me?  How old are you Antonio?  F**k him?  That’s the best you got?  Calling Brady an a$$hole?  You can’t come up with anything better than that?  Real original insult there, ouch it really burns.  Like really burns.  Almost burns Brady as much as Brady burns your defense.  Maybe his childish behavior is because he takes on after his 9 children with 8 mothers…

Brady handles Cromartie’s comments like a champ, responding with “I’ve been called worse,” smiling, and proceeds to compliment the Jets and their successes.  Local TV then takes a huge dump on Cromartie.

My favorite part is how the “Kids” stat is starred for the Jet, with names on the bottom.  Why would he name a kid after the asshole of America?  And Myjunia?  Your what now?  Name your next kid La’Quarium, its a great name.

Wednesday:  Pats practice football, Jets probably sit on their asses smelling feet or making babies.

Thursday:  Wes Welker with pure ownage.  Take some notes, Antonio.  This is how you insult somebody.  Subtly.  Cleverly.  Wittily.  You don’t throw a “f**k him,” its plain old and boring.  You conjure up something intelligent, which may prove difficult for you.  Here, Wes takes jabs at your foot-loving coach, but he’s not out there exclaiming “HEY REX YOU LIKE FEET.”

So there you have it, the Patriots utterly dominating the Jets at their own game, and now the Jets have to come into Foxboro and play the best team in the NFL  Rough times for New York.  A one-sided matchup indeed, which keeps me and (secretly keeps you) watching.  Gonna be funny to watch Mark Sanchez sail balls to a different zip code than his receiver’s route.

Bonus awesome super hilarious clip that my buddy George told me about:

almost as wild as Ratatat…

So much to talk about… so naturally the Pats come first.

Why did the Colts have to lose?  Why?  I wanted the Pats to play them so badly in the AFC Championship game.  I’ve raved about it enough, but I still find it difficult to express how much I love watching the two most dominant franchises of the 2000’s square off on the gridiron.  Nothing beats it.  The only scenario in which the Pats playing the Colts could be matched would be any sort of competition between said matchup and Tom Brady’s hair, in which case the universe would implode and all that we know would go to smithereens.  But me sobbing over the Colts’ L isn’t going to fix anything, and the Jet’s are still checking into Foxboro for Sunday.

If the Colts had to lose to somebody in the playoffs, I would want that somebody to be the Jets.  Instead of playing the Ravens, the Patriots will enjoy their second bye week in a row when Mark Sanchez is sailing balls 10 feet above Braylon Butterfingers’ head.  Either way, the Jets’ trainwreck of an offense will put up squadoosh on the scoreboard.  And what’s even better about an easy opponent is the unjustified sh*ttalking that tags along with it.  Rex Ryan’s memory must be in terrible condition because he seems to have forgotten that barely a month ago this was his face:

I know, pretty priceless image right?  I can’t wait until the Pats blow them out of Sunday again, and Rex still thinks he’s gonna win a Super Bowl.  Gonna go something like, “We got our butts kicked today.  No denying that.  But we’re still going to win a Super Bowl.  We’re still the best team in the league.  The NFL says we’ve been eliminated from the playoffs, but I’m not scared.  I’m not afraid of anything.  We’ll be hoisting that Lombardi Trophy in a few weeks.  It’s personal.”  Can someone just stick a foot in Rex’s mouth at this point?

 

Next up: the Seattle Seaflukes.

I gotta give it to Matt Hasselbeck, only because he is from the same tiny MA town as me.  He played one hell of a game.  Props to him.  But as good of a performance as it was, I’m pretty sure everyone (including Pete Carroll and the Seahawks) knows the Saints go bird hunting and succeed nine times out of ten, which is why I hate playoff upsets.  Let’s be honest here, the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl is like the Lakers or Celtics not winning the NBA Finals; nobody gives a flying f*ck.  Maybe if Seattle finished 8-8 or better, they would be worthy of big rocks on rings.  Too bad they finished 7-9 and by dumb playoff seeding systems not only did they make the playoffs over the 10-6 G Men, they hosted the 11-5 Saints.  Utter BS.  Go home Seahawks.

Now I know, all y’all haterade sippers are probably saying, “Well Mr. Big Pats fan, the 2001 Patriots were pretty big underdogs too.  By your logic, wouldn’t it be better if the Rams won the Super Bowl, right?”  Wrong.  The 2001 Patriots finished 11-5, plenty worthy of Super status.  But the big difference here is that the 2001 Patriots were the beginning of the best football decade for any team.  Ever.  EVER!  I will name my first born Marshawn if the 2010 Seahawks are followed by three Lombardi Trophies, a perfect regular season, and on their way to a fourth Super Bowl.  Too bad they are a true fluke, and will in all likeliness miss the playoffs next year thanks to a rejuvenated Jim Harbaugh led 49ers or an Andrew Lucked out Cardinals team.

 

Finally:  AARON RODGERS!!!!

YEAHHHH!!!!  AARON RODGERS!!!! MY DAWG!!!!  Cooler than ice cold!!!!  You show those Eagles who’s boss around here, you prove once again that a conventional QB beats an oddball QB.  Righty QB’s that wear nice divisible numbers such as 12, 18, 9, and that sit in the pocket and deliver strike after strike always beat weird oddball lefty QB’s who wear prime numbers like 7 and run around using physical ability over intelligence.  The only bad part about this now is that somewhere down the road I have to root for Aaron Rodger’s opponent because I don’t want the Pats playing him in the Superbowl.  Did I mention Aaron Rodgers is now a movie star too?  AARON RODGERS!!!!

 

I feel like Sideswipe after he kills this Audi (except that would never happen in real life cause Audis kick ass.)

At the end he says “Damn, I’m good.”  That’s how I feel, because in the time of my blog’s short existence, I have already sniped a few (obvious as they may be) calls:

1. “As bad as the players looked on Sunday, what was even worse for the Jets is that Rex Ryan has been exposed.” –5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Rex Ryan has now been exposed as a foot loving, game losing, swagger lacking, phony of a coach.  We probably should have known the Jets were going to lose to the bears though, because the Patriots obliterated Da Bears slightly less harshly than they obliterated the Jets.  Thus, Da Bears are slightly better than the Jets, which isn’t saying much.  Since the Patriots exposing Rex Ryan as not all that everyone hyped him to be, the Jets lost to the Dolphins at home, tried to trip a player, and Ryan’s foot obsession has surfaced.  Ouch.

2. “Aaron Rodgers left the game with a concussion and they lost.  He is almost as important to the Packer’s offense as Peyton Manning is to the Colts’ offense.” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Since Rodgers’ noggin slammed into the field, the Packers lost to the atrocious Lions and the Patriots.  Ok, maybe a bad day against Detroit, and New England beats everybody, so its understandable that Green Bay lost twice, right?  Think his absence doesn’t mean that much?  Think again.  As soon as he came  back, he threw for 400 yds and 4 tds 0 int, crushing the Giants 45-17.  And this wasn’t just a beatdown of some crappy team like the Panthers or 49ers or the Carson Palmers.  This game held serious playoff implications: if NYG won they essentially had the wild card locked up.

Related:  Aaron Rodgers not making the Pro Bowl is complete and utter mumbojumbo phony baloney horse sh*t nonsense.  I can understand Vick, but Brees and Matty Ice making it over Rodgers?  It’s only half bull that Brees made it over Rodgers even though Easy Breesy has thrown like four picks a game.  But Matty Ice?  Rodger’s passer rating is 3rd in the league, Ryan’s is 15th.  Rodger’s yards per attempt is 2nd in the league at 8.3, Ryan’s is 27th at 6.4.  Rodgers has more yards and more touchdowns despite missing time.  So what’s the argument here for Matt Ryan?  That he is on a a 1 seed team?  Guess what, Rodgers is going to make the playoffs as well, and when the Falcons and Packers squared off the Pack only lost by three IN ATLANTA.  Even if all of this didn’t matter, Aaron Rodgers still should have made the Pro Bowl just by default of Aaron Rodgers being the f**king man.  I love saying his name if you haven’t noticed.  Just look at how cool Aaron Rodgers looks.  Aaron Rodgers is so godamn cool.  Aaron Rodgers!!!!

He looks like that guy that is secretly smarter than everyone and acts witty and says the funniest sh*t.

Sidenote relating to the Giants because I briefly talked about them and feel like I won’t have a chance of mentioning this until September 2012 if there is a lockout:  I heard the funniest joke from my friend Paul:

Why can’t Eli Manning play primetime games?

Because like his Citizen Eco Drive, he’s powered by light.

3. “a big date with the first-place Falcons in Atlanta (where Matty Ice Ryan is 18-1 in his career) looms just two weeks away.  The way they’re playing, the Saints definitely have the assets to win.  While I can afford to look two weeks ahead into week 16, New Orleans can’t.  They must focus on their big meeting with the defensively-proficient 8-4 (probably 9-4 after Monday Night’s game) Ravens next week” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Wow!  How many birds did I kill with this stone?  I think my snipe/sentences written ratio based off this is an exceptional 1.00.  Ok, so the Ravens beating the Texans was a gimme.  But gimme credit for telling the Saint-haters that they could go into ATL and win.  And that they couldn’t afford to look to far ahead, because they did, and lost to the Ravens, and now their chances of a 1 seed are all but dead.

4. “The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”” -You know what looked really really really strange?

Well well, the Colts beat the Jags, then they beat the Raiders, while the Jags lose to the Redskins.  The Redskins.  Real Native Americans could play better than the Redskins.  And the Jags lost to them.  For everyone that thought the Colts would not win the AFC South, you’re a fool.

Sidenote:  the post I pulled the quote from was titled “You know what looked really really really strange?”  Well, you know what looked even more strange?

So smart for sliding.  So damn smart.  Winners.

5. “The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.”

I’m pretty sure I saw Rob Gronkowski eating some buffalo burger last week.  Nope, wait, I DEFINITELY did.

So there it is, my young blog’s ability to get it right.  Did I purposely look for things that I called right?  Yup.  Did I get things wrong (like the Chiefs being in for a ride down the stretch, cause they weren’t?)  Yup.  Were most of these topics blatantly obvious?  Yup.  Am I just trying to promote myself?  Yup.  Are you probably sitting there thinking “this dude thinks he sniped all this but so did everyone else?”  Yup.  But damn, I’m good.

EVERYONE HAVE A SAFE AND EXCITING NEW YEARS.  2010 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR ME, I HOPE IT WAS FOR YOU TOO.  HAPPY 2011!

More Rex Ripping

Posted: December 26, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , ,

After a few days of nice holiday time with my family, I’m back to doing what I do best:  drink haterade and sh*t on New York.  So here’s a lame joke to kick things off:

What’s the difference between a normal guy with a foot fetish and Rex Ryan?

Rex Ryan is ridiculously obese and coaches a crap football team.

Shouldn’t we have known this all along though?  Or at least had a hunch?  I did snipe these two photos of Rex…

Here he was at practice or something sniffing out someone’s foot.  Judging by the yellowy hue of the appendage, my expert analysis suggests the foot belongs to an Asian person.

Here he is actually taking considerable chunks out of the victim!!  That has to be at least two suggested serving sizes.

Anyway, shouldn’t Rex be focusing on yelling at Braylon Edward-brickhands for dropping balls?  Or yelling at Revis Peninsula for tricking us into believing his “island” stranded opposing WRs and they would be trapped?  Or how about LT for straight up just being a D-bag?  Sucks for him, he has a foot fetish and he coaches a FOOTball team!  We should actually give him credit for posting up an inflated, false, but nevertheless, playoff worthy 10-5 record so far.  If I had a foot fetish and had to coach 53 men (that’s 106 feet) who are often barefoot in the locker room, my head would explode before the regular season even started.  I have no idea how he pulls it off… but I do have an idea for how to reduce Rex Ryan’s waist from 960 inches to a normal size:

I was pissed last night.  Pissed that the Patriots weren’t pummeling the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers by at least 21 points at the end of the first quarter.  Pissed that they went into the locker rooms at half without the lead.  Pissed that we only won by four points.  Yeah, I was pissed that we beat a very good playoff team.  Because the margin of victory was slim.  Am I an a**hole for for being angry that the Patriots barely beat the Packers when fans of the Panthers or Bills or Bengals would celebrate such a victory like it was a holiday?  Probably.  But guess what.  I’m from New England, and all we do is win, win, win, no matter what.  I expected a 28 point victory last night.  No joke.  Four touchdowns.  I expected Tom Brady to throw for 300+ yards and 3+ touchdowns, and I expected first time starter Matt Flynn to throw for less than 150 yards and at least 3 INT.  Give credit to the Packers, because none of that happened.  They gave it their all, and if Rodgers’ noggin was good to go, they probably would ended Brady’s four-year regular season home win streak.  I wasn’t the only one who was pissed last night.  Belichick and Brady were too.  Look out NFL, because you know what happens when BB and Tom are pissed, this:

You know what happens after this happens?  The Patriots fire up their afterburners and become more unstoppable than that train movie with Denzel and the main character from Star Trek.  The Pats tear apart their opponent, then maybe let them score a field goal, only so they have an excuse to drop 20 more points.  Sunday’s near loss surprised all of New England and served as a rude awakening for the Patriots.  Like the ’07 games against the Eagles and the Ravens, Sunday brought the superhuman Pats back to Earth.  Would I have liked to see a 40 point victory instead of a four point victory?  Of course.  But what this game brought to New England besides the W was a reminder that you can’t steamroll ’em all; you can’t afford to be sloppy against playoff caliber teams.

The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.  I’ll be at the next game after that, against the Dolphins, and I can’t wait to see the killa B’s (BB and Brady) put Dolphins on the endangered species list.  Here is my professional artist’s rendition of it:

The most recent case of lackluster Pats’ play prior to Sunday came against the Browns in a 34-14 defeat.  Take a wild guess at what happened over the next five games.  New England scored 39, 31, 45, 45, and 36 points in five obliterations of opponents, four of them coming against likely playoff teams.  Sunday was a similar situation (except we managed to get a win.)  The last time, five games of domination ensued.  You know what happens after five games this time around?  This:

New York is so unique right now.  Unique in that no other city is enduring a couple of the most horrific sports weeks in recent memory, while Boston sports teams are flourishing.  And I’m lovin’ every bit of it.  Lets take a closer look at the past few weeks:

Football

New York

  • Rex Ryan talks trash (big surprise there)
  • The Jets fail to score a touchdown as the Patriots steamroll them 45-3
  • The following week, the Jets show they are no more than an average football team by once again failing to score a touchdown in a defeat against the Dolphins, in New York
  • The Jets resort to dangerous cheating, as strength coach Sal Alosi instructs 5 players to stand in a wall as he tries to trip Nolan Carroll.  He receives an indefinite suspension
  • Giants’ WR Steve Smith undergoes knee surgery, out for season

Boston

  • Bill Belichick makes a joke out of Rex Ryan’s trash talking
  • The Patriots do not allow the Jets a touchdown, as they steamroll Gang Green 45-3
  • The following week, the Patriots show they are no less than the best team in the NFl, by once again smoking an opponent in a 36-7 Bear-killing, in Chicago, in blizzard-like conditions
  • The Patriots resort to stomping opponents with passing, rushing, defense, and special teams.  All Patriots staff and players are eligible to participate in week 15.
  • All Patriots WRs stay healthy

I won’t rip on Steve Smith’s injury, because us Boston fans know all about season ending knee injuries.  I’m of course talking about Tony Allen attempting to dunk well after the whistle blew and landing on his knee awkwardly, tearing his ACL and MCL, literally adding insult to injury during an already atrocious season that ended 24-58.

Obviously, I was referring to this and this only.  Nobody else.

But I am going to rip on the Jets… and ohhhh boy do I love ripping on the Jets.  If Katy Perry rewrote “Hot N Cold,” she would include a line about the Pats and Jets somewhere.   I can’t remember a time when the Jets sucked so much and the Patriots were so awesome.  No wait, actually I can: 2001-2009.  This time it’s different though, because Rex Ryan fooled so many people into thinking the Jets were an elite team.  All of his talk convinced America that barely scraping by piss poor teams was the Jets playing “resilient” and “tough” football.  The Jets phonied their ways to the tops of experts’ power rankings and tricked themselves into thinking they were legitimately an elite 9-2 team coming into Foxboro.  During the Monday night game against the Pats, either after the Patriots’ 10th touchdown or Mark Sanchez’s 51st interception (I can’t remember which one), I took a picture of this Jets fan:

My brother took this picture of Rex Ryan after the game.  Almost identical, no?  The only difference I can see is Rex Ryan weighs about 400lbs more than the Jets fan.

For me, watching a Jets fan in a state of severe shock because they foolishly believed their team stood a chance against the Patriots is much more satisfying than seeing their usual face when they play us.  Because the Jets’ record normally truthfully reflects their actual ability to play well, disloyal New York fans usually don’t care and look like this during the NFL season:

Since Jets fans regularly expect the annual two tallies in the L column thanks to the Patriots, it becomes a rarity for us New England fans to see what I so brilliantly captured.  Thus, when we become lucky enough to witness this abnormality, our football fanhood is wonderfully satisfied.

Week 13’s annihilation seemed as good as it gets, until the Jet’s lost at home to Dolphins in week 14.  In a short span of six days, the Jets tumbled from first in the division to playoff berth in jeopardy.  There isn’t much to talk about how poorly they played against Miami; their execution was straight up pathetic tp the point where the only successful task they managed to achieve on this glorious Sunday was Sal Alosi tripping a Dolphin.  Give him credit, guys.  Can you trip a dolphin?  Have you ever even tried tripping a dolphin?  Have you even seen a dolphin?  Alosi tripped that which can not walk.  Pretty amazing if you ask me.  Jokes aside, is this what Rex Ryan preaches after 45-3 defeats?  Is this his definition of rebounding and proving they are for real?  The only for real I have for them is, fo’ real, Rex?  Seriously?  Tripping players is your way of winning against a mediocre football team?  When was the last time anyone saw a championship caliber club commit the stupidest action imaginable?  Doesn’t Sal Alosi know at any given point during an NFL game, at least 14 camera men are filming you?  The organization is in shambles right now.  Luckily, I’ve never been unfortunate enough to catch the crappy disease, but can a New York sports fan tell me if it’s contagious?  Because I think it’s spreading to…

Basketball

New York

  • Knicks have an eight game winning streak before hosting the Celtics
  • Knicks have a one game losing streak after hosting the Celtics

Boston

  • Celtics have a ten game winning streak before playing the Knicks
  • Celtics have an eleven game winning streak after playing the Knicks

Good for the Knicks.  Seriously.  I’m happy that they’re playing well this year, because it’s getting boring to see the Celtics win with ease.  But Wednesday’s game against Boston served as another slice of comic relief for me during finals week here at BU.  Paul Pierce’s game winning shot with 0.4 seconds remaining is fairly soul-crushing as it is for New York fans, but A’mare? Am’are? Ama’re?  Amar’e?  Yeah, I think that’s where the apostrophe goes.  Anyway, as disheartening as it was for Knicks fans to have Pauly P drain a winning bucket, Amar’e Stoudemire just had to sink a game winning three.  Psych! The ball left his hands after the buzzer sounded!  Haha!  Suckers! All of you fans at Madison Square Garden jumped out of your seats for nothing!  As BC fans say to me, sucks to BU!!!!  (It actually doesn’t suck to BU, because our school is actually in Boston.  I can walk to the Prudential Center or Fenway in ten minutes.  “Boston” College is in Newton.)

Baseball

New York

  • Yankees fail to sign Cliff Lee, who signs with the Phillies for $30M less
  • Yankees suck
  • Mets do not make any moves, they continue to be garbage

Boston

  • Red Sox trade for Adrian Gonzalez
  • Red Sox are f**king awesome
  • Red Sox sign Carl Crawford

I love Cliff Lee.  Always have, and now always will.  Mooching a few free meals and time from the Yankees and making Brian Cashman look like a bumbling idiot of a sucker boosts Cliff Lee near the middle of my “Most Awesome Athletes Power Rankings.”  The middle is actually quite good, because nobody comes within 100 feet of Tom Brady in my book.  Plus, Lee is by far the flashiest player in the MLB.  Remember that video I posted a in my last entry?  Well here it is again, because I can’t stop drooling over his calmness during the World Series.  http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=7099837 (I can’t embed it.)  Anyway, the Yankees offered him a 7 year $150M contract, but he told Cashman F U and returned to the Phils for 5 years and $120M.  Suck it Yankees, money bought you jack diddly squat this offseason, and you will eternally suck.  Have fun finishing second to the Red Sox this year in the AL East.  Wait, third.  I keep forgetting the Rays are pretty good.

Do I even have to talk about the Mets?  Should I feel some pity for how terrible they are?  Nah.

All in all, its been a rough (but deserved in my eyes by default of me being a Boston native) few weeks for scumbag New York fans.  So rough that it consumed all my time and I barely said a word about how awesome Boston sports teams are doing.  But I talk enough about that already, and it’s expected.  Hope times like these continue!

What do you guys think?  Leave comments please!  Subscribe on the left sidebar of the web page!  Don’t forget to show this to all of your buddies!

1. The Patriots are the best team in the NFL

By a mile.  I know, we probably already knew this after the 45-3 romping of the Jets on Monday night.  But Sunday’s 36-7 annihilation of the Bears in a way showed more about the Patriots than the Jets game.  We all knew the Patriots were gonna come ready to play against the Jets–Bill Belichick had 11 days to prepare for a nationally televised Monday night showdown between two division rival juggernauts.  There was no way the Pats would be lax for that one.  But would they show up for the Bears?  Just six days after the biggest victory of the season, this young Pats team riding on high emotions had to play in blizzard conditions in Chicago. Seemed like a classic letdown game to me.  But, in Bill we trust.  Belichick had his boys well prepared and proved all the skeptics wrong.  The Pats rolled into the windy city and blew the competition away, thrashing the Bears in a dominating fashion.  The improving young defense looked like seasoned veterans, intercepting Jay Cutler twice and forcing two fumbles, one of which was recovered for a touchdown.  Devin McCourty once again justified the Patriots taking him in the first round, forcing one of the fumbles.  The guy just continues to make big plays.  The defense played exceptionally and once again, Tom Brady and the offense soared, against the NFL’s third ranked defense nonetheless.  Brady completed 27 of 40 passes for 369 yards and two touchdowns, while Deion Branch and Wes Welker each grabbed eight passes and topped the hundred-yard mark.  The league may as well just hand Brady the MVP award now, not only because a 7-plus to 1 touchdown to interception ratio and a 110+ passer rating are absurdly good, but because he is leading his team to another Superbowl title physically and emotionally.  Brady’s the hottest player in the NFL right now in every way: scorching defenses on the field, fire in his eyes, and it doesn’t hurt that his hair is extra extra hot.  It looks like the Pats have a lock on winning the AFC.  They also have a nice two game cushion on the Jets in the AFC East after Sunday, which leads me to number 2…

2. The Jets are not who we thought they were

Well actually, they kinda are who I thought they were.  But only kinda.  I knew they weren’t as good as their 9-2 record coming into last week, pulling helmet-catch caliber luck out of their behinds to beat Denver, Detroit, Cleveland, and Houston.  I knew they could have easily been 5-6 facing the Pats on Monday, but I at least had faith in them to rebound after the second worst Monday Night Football defeat to beat the mediocre Dolphins at home.  I mean, Mark Sanchez is growing up right?  The running game is one of the best in the NFL, right?  Rex Ryan is a pretty good coach right?  Wrong.  Every part of the Jets’ game was flat on Sunday as they lost 10-6 to the Dolphins.  Sanchez looked like a rookie again with no sense of ball placement whatsoever, his throws were all over the place.  Meanwhile, the ground game was horrific, averaging just 2.8 yards per carry.  As bad as the players looked on Sunday, what was even worse for the Jets is that Rex Ryan has been exposed.  He and the Jets are built around swagger and confidence, and in the past two weeks their swagger level has gone from Mark Wahlberg in Shooter to Michael Cera in Superbad.  What happened, did someone steal all of their Old Spice deodorant or something?  The Jets need to get their act together, or they’re gonna have a tough road leading into the playoffs, if they even make the playoffs.  Which leads me to…

3. The Packers might not make the playoffs!!!!

As of right now, Green Bay is on the outside looking in.  I expected them to even things up with the Bears in the NFC North Sunday with an easy victory over the 2-10 Lions, but the worst thing that could have happened for them did:  Aaron Rodgers left the game with a concussion and they lost.  He is almost as important to the Packer’s offense as Peyton Manning is to the Colts’ offense.  Green Bay can’t run the ball anyway, they are about as good at it as Brett Favre is at staying out of the news, and without Rodgers this normally high-powered aerial attack is flat out pathetic.  How can Greg Jennings put the team on his back if he doesn’t even have a quarterback to throw him the ball?  What used to be a one-dimensional offense is now one-detrimental to their playoff chances.  Okay, enough with the jokes, because the road ahead is certainly not a joke for the Packers.  They take on New England in Foxboro (where Tom Brady hasn’t lost since 2006) next week, meaning they could very realistically be 8-6 heading into week 16.  They better catch the Bears, because 10-6 will not guarantee a wild-card spot.  Speaking of not having a guaranteed playoff berth…

4. The Chiefs are in for a ride

After laying a big ol’ goose egg in a 31-0 slaughter at hands of San Diego, the Kansas City Chiefs hold just a one game lead over the 7-6 Chargers.  Everyone knows San Diego is dangerous late in the season—the Chargers increase their lethality by 100,000 volts every December.  As much as I hate to say it, Phil Rivers plays phantastic phootball in December.  Sidenote: Hey Phil, win a ring and your cockiness might be justified.  But until then, I have hoisted as many Lombardi Trophies as you.  Hell, lets not even mention winning a Superbowl.  I’ve played in as many as you!  Anway, running the table is certainly doable for Kansas City with remaining games against St. Louis, Tennessee, and Oakland, but the Chiefs better indeed run the table or else San Diego will likely be the AFC West team hosting a playoff on wild-card weekend. Luckily for the Chiefs, Matt Cassel can only get appendicitis one time, so he’ll hopefully be ready next week.  And the Chiefs need him to be ready.  He’s playing underratedly well this season, tossing 23 touchdowns to just four interceptions.  Him and Dwayne Bowe are flying under the radar as one of the best passing duos in the league right now.  Hey, you know who else is flying under the radar?

5. The New Orleans Saints are playing championship football.  Again.

Since opening the season with a Superbowl hangover, Drew Brees and the Saints offense have restored themselves as one of the best in the league.  Overshadowed by a new Brett Favre injury headline every week, the Saints have quietly won six straight games.  Okay, fine, Brett Favre’s paper cuts aren’t the only things grabbing headlines.  Him taking questionable photos of his body parts and sending them to Jenn Sterger made the news too.  I guess if I mention Favre in an affair though, I have to mention that Big Ben was also a big headline.  Okay, fiiiiine. The biggest (and best) headline of the season is that the Pats are back baby!  But lets talk New Orleans again.  Several well thrown TD passes against the not-that-bad Rams from Brees have upped the Saints’ win total into double digits, as a big date with the first-place Falcons in Atlanta (where Matty Ice Ryan is 18-1 in his career) looms just two weeks away.  The way they’re playing, the Saints definitely have the assets to win.  While I can afford to look two weeks ahead into week 16, New Orleans can’t.  They must focus on their big meeting with the defensively-proficient 8-4 (probably 9-4 after Monday Night’s game) Ravens next week that will truly show if their offense is as good as I think it is.   It doesn’t get easy after the Atlanta game either—the Saints have to play pesky 8-5 Tampa Bay in the final week of the season.  But the Saints are champions, and I trust them to finish strong.