Posts Tagged ‘peyton’

I feel like Sideswipe after he kills this Audi (except that would never happen in real life cause Audis kick ass.)

At the end he says “Damn, I’m good.”  That’s how I feel, because in the time of my blog’s short existence, I have already sniped a few (obvious as they may be) calls:

1. “As bad as the players looked on Sunday, what was even worse for the Jets is that Rex Ryan has been exposed.” –5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Rex Ryan has now been exposed as a foot loving, game losing, swagger lacking, phony of a coach.  We probably should have known the Jets were going to lose to the bears though, because the Patriots obliterated Da Bears slightly less harshly than they obliterated the Jets.  Thus, Da Bears are slightly better than the Jets, which isn’t saying much.  Since the Patriots exposing Rex Ryan as not all that everyone hyped him to be, the Jets lost to the Dolphins at home, tried to trip a player, and Ryan’s foot obsession has surfaced.  Ouch.

2. “Aaron Rodgers left the game with a concussion and they lost.  He is almost as important to the Packer’s offense as Peyton Manning is to the Colts’ offense.” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Since Rodgers’ noggin slammed into the field, the Packers lost to the atrocious Lions and the Patriots.  Ok, maybe a bad day against Detroit, and New England beats everybody, so its understandable that Green Bay lost twice, right?  Think his absence doesn’t mean that much?  Think again.  As soon as he came  back, he threw for 400 yds and 4 tds 0 int, crushing the Giants 45-17.  And this wasn’t just a beatdown of some crappy team like the Panthers or 49ers or the Carson Palmers.  This game held serious playoff implications: if NYG won they essentially had the wild card locked up.

Related:  Aaron Rodgers not making the Pro Bowl is complete and utter mumbojumbo phony baloney horse sh*t nonsense.  I can understand Vick, but Brees and Matty Ice making it over Rodgers?  It’s only half bull that Brees made it over Rodgers even though Easy Breesy has thrown like four picks a game.  But Matty Ice?  Rodger’s passer rating is 3rd in the league, Ryan’s is 15th.  Rodger’s yards per attempt is 2nd in the league at 8.3, Ryan’s is 27th at 6.4.  Rodgers has more yards and more touchdowns despite missing time.  So what’s the argument here for Matt Ryan?  That he is on a a 1 seed team?  Guess what, Rodgers is going to make the playoffs as well, and when the Falcons and Packers squared off the Pack only lost by three IN ATLANTA.  Even if all of this didn’t matter, Aaron Rodgers still should have made the Pro Bowl just by default of Aaron Rodgers being the f**king man.  I love saying his name if you haven’t noticed.  Just look at how cool Aaron Rodgers looks.  Aaron Rodgers is so godamn cool.  Aaron Rodgers!!!!

He looks like that guy that is secretly smarter than everyone and acts witty and says the funniest sh*t.

Sidenote relating to the Giants because I briefly talked about them and feel like I won’t have a chance of mentioning this until September 2012 if there is a lockout:  I heard the funniest joke from my friend Paul:

Why can’t Eli Manning play primetime games?

Because like his Citizen Eco Drive, he’s powered by light.

3. “a big date with the first-place Falcons in Atlanta (where Matty Ice Ryan is 18-1 in his career) looms just two weeks away.  The way they’re playing, the Saints definitely have the assets to win.  While I can afford to look two weeks ahead into week 16, New Orleans can’t.  They must focus on their big meeting with the defensively-proficient 8-4 (probably 9-4 after Monday Night’s game) Ravens next week” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Wow!  How many birds did I kill with this stone?  I think my snipe/sentences written ratio based off this is an exceptional 1.00.  Ok, so the Ravens beating the Texans was a gimme.  But gimme credit for telling the Saint-haters that they could go into ATL and win.  And that they couldn’t afford to look to far ahead, because they did, and lost to the Ravens, and now their chances of a 1 seed are all but dead.

4. “The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”” -You know what looked really really really strange?

Well well, the Colts beat the Jags, then they beat the Raiders, while the Jags lose to the Redskins.  The Redskins.  Real Native Americans could play better than the Redskins.  And the Jags lost to them.  For everyone that thought the Colts would not win the AFC South, you’re a fool.

Sidenote:  the post I pulled the quote from was titled “You know what looked really really really strange?”  Well, you know what looked even more strange?

So smart for sliding.  So damn smart.  Winners.

5. “The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.”

I’m pretty sure I saw Rob Gronkowski eating some buffalo burger last week.  Nope, wait, I DEFINITELY did.

So there it is, my young blog’s ability to get it right.  Did I purposely look for things that I called right?  Yup.  Did I get things wrong (like the Chiefs being in for a ride down the stretch, cause they weren’t?)  Yup.  Were most of these topics blatantly obvious?  Yup.  Am I just trying to promote myself?  Yup.  Are you probably sitting there thinking “this dude thinks he sniped all this but so did everyone else?”  Yup.  But damn, I’m good.


The Colts behind the Jags in the AFC South coming into this week’s action.  Good thing Peyton Manning fixed that though.  Wait, did I really just say Peyton Manning?  I’m so used to owning this notion that Peyton Manning=Colts that I must have Freudian slipped my way past the Colt’s team effort against Jacksonville.  Sunday was a rare occasion, an occasion when an Indianapolis victory can not be attributed solely to Peyton Manning’s right arm.  Although he played well, the absent-all-year run game was even better.  You know what else has been absent all year that showed up against Jacksonville?  The run D.  And you know why they showed up when everybody thought Mojo Drew (who had six straight 100 yd games coming into Indy) was going to have himself a field day?  Because the Colts are winners.  The Colts are an elite team.  The Colts get their s**t together when they need to.  Sunday wasn’t the first time Indy’s run D halted a hot tailback in a pressure situation.  Back in Wild Card weekend of the ’06 season playoffs, the Colts, who had the league’s worse run D that year, faced an in-his-prime red hot Larry Johnson and the Chiefs.  Know what happened?  The Colts allowed LJ to run about as well as a 700lb Rex Ryan could.  And you know what happened about four weeks later?  Peyton Manning hoisted a Lombardi trophy.  I’m not saying that the Colts will win the Super Bowl this year, because obviously the Pats are going to, but what I am saying is that such a perennial winner doesn’t lose games like these.

The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”  And its a damn good thing they showed Jacksonville who’s boss.  Because if they didn’t that would mean serious down the road ramifications, detrimental to the NFL’s best interests.  I believe that it is best to have winners keep winning until they are no longer fundamentally sound or they lose their key players.  I’d hate to see the Colts miss the postseason because future superstar WR Austin Collie keeps unfortunately getting his dome rocked, because Dallas Clark is on IR, and because Indy is more depleted than my go-to joke bank after knowing somebody for more than a week.  Last time I checked, Peyton Manning still plays for Indy, which means it would be for the greater good of the NFL if the Colts (and Pats with Tom Terrific for that matter) play past the first week of Janurary.  If the Colts miss the playoffs, (and yes they still very easily can,) I would probably… probably… hmm… I don’t even know what I would do.  It would just be awkward.  It would be uncomfortable.  It would leave me bitter and thinking, “the Colts could’ve beaten them,” if I saw the Jags or Chiefs or Jets playing in a month.  I would be without a  matchup to look forward to for my beloved Pats.  Which AFC team would I root for if the Pats fell (which they won’t?)  The Steelers, who left my favorite non-Patriot NFL player, Larry Fitzgerald in tears following Santonio smoke-weed substance abuse Holmes’ Super Bowl catch?  By the way I’m still convinced he didn’t get that right toe down.  The Ravens, led by whacko Flacco, and Crayzed Lewis?  Don’t even get me started on the Jets.  C’mon Peyton, make it to the postseason.  Do it for Madden!  Put da team on yo back!

Please do.  Because you know what else happens if you don’t?  You finish in second place in the AFC South.  You know what happens, or better yet, doesn’t happen next year if you finish second?  You don’t play New England.  (The way the NFL scheduling works is you play the team that finished in their division the same place that you finished in yours, so for example, if the Colts finish first in the AFC South and the Pats finished first in the East then they play each other the following year.  That’s not the full extent of NFL scheduling but for the sake of saving space that’s what matters for next year between Indy and NE.  And yes the Pats are going to finish first.)  You know what happens if you don’t play New England next year?  I run around in circles pulling my hair out and then cry for 12 months.

The pivotal Colts-Pats game provides unparalleled excitement almost every year.  Think about the past few meetings.  ’06 AFC Championship game:  a Super Bowl berth is at stake.  The Pats roll into halftime with a 21-6 lead, only to lose 38-34 at the end.  ’07:  the unbeaten Pats fend off the unbeaten Colts, 24-21, the smallest margin of victory for the unbeaten Pats that year.  I say unbeaten because for some reason the playoffs didn’t exist that year.  I think the NFL decided to skip a Super Bowl or something.  February 3, 2008 is just a black square on my calender.  Anyway, ’08:  if it wasn’t for Jabar Gaffney dropping the easiest TD I’ve ever seen, (I could’ve caught it,) New England would’ve won, but another close game.  ’09: the Patriots jump out to an early lead, but the Colts come roaring back, stop Brady and company on a 4th and 2 to that would’ve sealed the game, and win, putting a damper on and essentially killing the ’09 Pats’ season.  This year: same deal as last year, except this time it was our defense that made the big play, picking off Manning.  As awkward as it would be seeing a playoff picture without Indianapolis, I think it would be ever awkwardererer seeing a Colts-less Patriots’ schedule.  As a fan of a perennial powerhouse, there must exist that one equal.  The one that is there with your team every step of the way.  The one that has your team’s number half the time.  The one that, if they dropped off, you’d feel something missing.  Thank the heavens the Colts beat the Jags Sunday.  Keep up with the Pats, Peyton, I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t.

Did you notice how Peyton and Eli completely ignored the third Manning brother?  What terrible brothers!  But I bet you not only failed to notice how they ignored their brother, you didn’t even notice the presence of The Forgotten One.  Cooper Manning.  Did you even know a third Manning brother existed?  Man, how much must it suck to be him?  I wonder how many people recognize The Forgotten One on the street.  Scratch that, I wonder how many people who know Cooper know he’s the brother of Peyton and Eli.  What does he even do for a living?  Does he work a miserable 9-5 where every single coworker of his is talking about Peyton or Eli on Monday morning?  Can he support a family?  Maybe when Peyton and Eli are feeling charitable they donate to the Forgotten Brothers of America Foundation.  Damn, it must really blow to be the butt end of all Manning family jokes.  I can see their Thanksgiving dinner table scene going down like this:

Peyton: You know Eli, you shouldn’t wear your Super Bowl ring on your throwing hand.  The ginormous 1,000,000 karat diamonds are so heavy that they can mess with the professional-caliber throwing mechanics that we both inherited from dad.  I learned that from my buddy Tom, who has three Super Bowl Rings, more than our whole family combined!

Eli: Aww shucks, Peyton.  You’re so right.  You’re always right.  You’re so much better than me in every single way.   I always wondered why you wear your Super Bowl ring on your left hand.  Aren’t these rings so cool?

The Forgotten One: F**k you guys.  I’m getting turkey.

Papa Archie: Ah ah ah!  Watch it Cooper!  The two legs on the turkey are reserved for NFL quarterbacks only.  Why don’t you cut yourself a portion of the lesser meat.

How does he feel taking all the s**t from the two brothers?  I bet he takes extra extra crap from Peyton and Eli, because Peyton gives Eli crap for sucking at the NFL so much, so Eli passes Peyton’s crap onto The Forgotten One along with the crap he was originally going to give him anyway!  Does that make sense?  Throw in some direct Peyton–>Cooper crap just for good measure.  And you know what the worst part about it is?  Wait for it… wait for it… The Forgotten One is the oldest of the trio!  Isn’t the oldest sibling supposed to the the man of the house?  The dominant figure?  The one that younger brothers look up too?  Oh man, sucks to be Cooper Manning!