Posts Tagged ‘ryan’

Hype Up

Posted: January 15, 2011 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Has there ever been more hype for a game with an 8.5 point spread?  Normally, everyone goes bananas in the weeks leading up to a game between evenly matched powerhouses, because its likely going to be a memorable offensive shootout or defensive chess battle.  Sunday’s game will be:

a) just evenly matched teams, regardless of how good they actually are

b) two powerhouses, regardless of how evenly matched they are

c) an offensive shootout

d) a defensive chess battle

e) none of the above.  Sunday’s game will be a heavily lopsided affair between one powerhouse scoring 30+ points and one joke of a squad scoring 14 or fewer points.

For those of you with reading comprehension disabilities, the obvious answer coming from me is E.  So what makes this rivalry worth talking about?  Is it even a rivalry?  Don’t both teams have to win for this to be a rivalry?  When was the last time the Jets beat the Pats when it mattered, in the playoffs, or in an important regular season game?   Yeah the Jets beat the 2010.1 Patriots in September, but where were they on the national stage in December against the 2010.2 Patriots?  The Patriots have won 12 AFC East titles, the Jets have won 2.  The Patriots have appeared in the Super Bowl 6 times, the Jets have never even won an AFC Championship (their single league title was the AFL Championship.)  Maybe Rex Ryan got something right, maybe Sunday’s game is in fact the 2nd most important game in Jets’ history, only because their lackluster history lacks so much luster.  So what about this game intrigues fans and analysts so much that they talk about it more than a much better, even game between the Ravens and Steelers?  Believe it or not, the unevenness of it all is what attracts us.

All week, the rage has been “Can Mark Sanchez stop sucking?  Can Tom Brady be stopped?”  It’s not about who will win, but how much New England will win by.  All analysts seem to be sharing the general consensus of a less than 45-3 blowout, but a large margin of victory for the Patriots nonetheless.  I’ve been hearing the 35-14 ballpark prediction from just about everyone, but last night when I saw Mark Schlereth on ESPN predict a 20-17 victory for the Pats I had a baby about it.  20-17 Schlereth?  Are you f**king high?  Do you even know who Tom Brady is?  I know you played in the NFL, but are you on crack or something?  Like I said, the unevenness attracts us.  Not just on the field either.

What team sh*t talks the best in the NFL?  It’s the Jets, obviously… psych.  This week showed just how gawd awful the Jets are at everything:  football, trash talk, life, etc.  Breaking down the trash talk day by day, we can clearly see how badly the Patriots owned the Jets this week.

Monday:  Rex Ryan claims “it’s personal” between him and Bill Belichick.  What’s so personal, Rex?  Bill didn’t give you enough attention or something?  You heard nothing from the Pats, proving once again they are the bigger men and don’t meddle with these antics.

Tuesday:  Antonio Cromartie calls Tom Brady an a$$hole, says “f**k him,” says he hates him, and has a problem with Brady pointing to the Jets defense on the sideline after scoring 6 on them.  Are you kidding me?  How old are you Antonio?  F**k him?  That’s the best you got?  Calling Brady an a$$hole?  You can’t come up with anything better than that?  Real original insult there, ouch it really burns.  Like really burns.  Almost burns Brady as much as Brady burns your defense.  Maybe his childish behavior is because he takes on after his 9 children with 8 mothers…

Brady handles Cromartie’s comments like a champ, responding with “I’ve been called worse,” smiling, and proceeds to compliment the Jets and their successes.  Local TV then takes a huge dump on Cromartie.

My favorite part is how the “Kids” stat is starred for the Jet, with names on the bottom.  Why would he name a kid after the asshole of America?  And Myjunia?  Your what now?  Name your next kid La’Quarium, its a great name.

Wednesday:  Pats practice football, Jets probably sit on their asses smelling feet or making babies.

Thursday:  Wes Welker with pure ownage.  Take some notes, Antonio.  This is how you insult somebody.  Subtly.  Cleverly.  Wittily.  You don’t throw a “f**k him,” its plain old and boring.  You conjure up something intelligent, which may prove difficult for you.  Here, Wes takes jabs at your foot-loving coach, but he’s not out there exclaiming “HEY REX YOU LIKE FEET.”

So there you have it, the Patriots utterly dominating the Jets at their own game, and now the Jets have to come into Foxboro and play the best team in the NFL  Rough times for New York.  A one-sided matchup indeed, which keeps me and (secretly keeps you) watching.  Gonna be funny to watch Mark Sanchez sail balls to a different zip code than his receiver’s route.

Bonus awesome super hilarious clip that my buddy George told me about:

Advertisements

I feel like Sideswipe after he kills this Audi (except that would never happen in real life cause Audis kick ass.)

At the end he says “Damn, I’m good.”  That’s how I feel, because in the time of my blog’s short existence, I have already sniped a few (obvious as they may be) calls:

1. “As bad as the players looked on Sunday, what was even worse for the Jets is that Rex Ryan has been exposed.” –5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Rex Ryan has now been exposed as a foot loving, game losing, swagger lacking, phony of a coach.  We probably should have known the Jets were going to lose to the bears though, because the Patriots obliterated Da Bears slightly less harshly than they obliterated the Jets.  Thus, Da Bears are slightly better than the Jets, which isn’t saying much.  Since the Patriots exposing Rex Ryan as not all that everyone hyped him to be, the Jets lost to the Dolphins at home, tried to trip a player, and Ryan’s foot obsession has surfaced.  Ouch.

2. “Aaron Rodgers left the game with a concussion and they lost.  He is almost as important to the Packer’s offense as Peyton Manning is to the Colts’ offense.” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Since Rodgers’ noggin slammed into the field, the Packers lost to the atrocious Lions and the Patriots.  Ok, maybe a bad day against Detroit, and New England beats everybody, so its understandable that Green Bay lost twice, right?  Think his absence doesn’t mean that much?  Think again.  As soon as he came  back, he threw for 400 yds and 4 tds 0 int, crushing the Giants 45-17.  And this wasn’t just a beatdown of some crappy team like the Panthers or 49ers or the Carson Palmers.  This game held serious playoff implications: if NYG won they essentially had the wild card locked up.

Related:  Aaron Rodgers not making the Pro Bowl is complete and utter mumbojumbo phony baloney horse sh*t nonsense.  I can understand Vick, but Brees and Matty Ice making it over Rodgers?  It’s only half bull that Brees made it over Rodgers even though Easy Breesy has thrown like four picks a game.  But Matty Ice?  Rodger’s passer rating is 3rd in the league, Ryan’s is 15th.  Rodger’s yards per attempt is 2nd in the league at 8.3, Ryan’s is 27th at 6.4.  Rodgers has more yards and more touchdowns despite missing time.  So what’s the argument here for Matt Ryan?  That he is on a a 1 seed team?  Guess what, Rodgers is going to make the playoffs as well, and when the Falcons and Packers squared off the Pack only lost by three IN ATLANTA.  Even if all of this didn’t matter, Aaron Rodgers still should have made the Pro Bowl just by default of Aaron Rodgers being the f**king man.  I love saying his name if you haven’t noticed.  Just look at how cool Aaron Rodgers looks.  Aaron Rodgers is so godamn cool.  Aaron Rodgers!!!!

He looks like that guy that is secretly smarter than everyone and acts witty and says the funniest sh*t.

Sidenote relating to the Giants because I briefly talked about them and feel like I won’t have a chance of mentioning this until September 2012 if there is a lockout:  I heard the funniest joke from my friend Paul:

Why can’t Eli Manning play primetime games?

Because like his Citizen Eco Drive, he’s powered by light.

3. “a big date with the first-place Falcons in Atlanta (where Matty Ice Ryan is 18-1 in his career) looms just two weeks away.  The way they’re playing, the Saints definitely have the assets to win.  While I can afford to look two weeks ahead into week 16, New Orleans can’t.  They must focus on their big meeting with the defensively-proficient 8-4 (probably 9-4 after Monday Night’s game) Ravens next week” -5 things I learned during week 14 of the NFL (minus the Ravens-Texans Monday night game)

Wow!  How many birds did I kill with this stone?  I think my snipe/sentences written ratio based off this is an exceptional 1.00.  Ok, so the Ravens beating the Texans was a gimme.  But gimme credit for telling the Saint-haters that they could go into ATL and win.  And that they couldn’t afford to look to far ahead, because they did, and lost to the Ravens, and now their chances of a 1 seed are all but dead.

4. “The Colts said F U to everyone who thought the Jags were going to win the AFC South.  They said to all the doubters and  haterade sippers, “Did you really think the Indy Colts were going to miss the playoffs?  The PLAYoffs, you kiddin’ me?  Playoffs? Don’t  talk about [missing the] playoffs!”” -You know what looked really really really strange?

Well well, the Colts beat the Jags, then they beat the Raiders, while the Jags lose to the Redskins.  The Redskins.  Real Native Americans could play better than the Redskins.  And the Jags lost to them.  For everyone that thought the Colts would not win the AFC South, you’re a fool.

Sidenote:  the post I pulled the quote from was titled “You know what looked really really really strange?”  Well, you know what looked even more strange?

So smart for sliding.  So damn smart.  Winners.

5. “The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.”

I’m pretty sure I saw Rob Gronkowski eating some buffalo burger last week.  Nope, wait, I DEFINITELY did.

So there it is, my young blog’s ability to get it right.  Did I purposely look for things that I called right?  Yup.  Did I get things wrong (like the Chiefs being in for a ride down the stretch, cause they weren’t?)  Yup.  Were most of these topics blatantly obvious?  Yup.  Am I just trying to promote myself?  Yup.  Are you probably sitting there thinking “this dude thinks he sniped all this but so did everyone else?”  Yup.  But damn, I’m good.

EVERYONE HAVE A SAFE AND EXCITING NEW YEARS.  2010 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR ME, I HOPE IT WAS FOR YOU TOO.  HAPPY 2011!

More Rex Ripping

Posted: December 26, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , ,

After a few days of nice holiday time with my family, I’m back to doing what I do best:  drink haterade and sh*t on New York.  So here’s a lame joke to kick things off:

What’s the difference between a normal guy with a foot fetish and Rex Ryan?

Rex Ryan is ridiculously obese and coaches a crap football team.

Shouldn’t we have known this all along though?  Or at least had a hunch?  I did snipe these two photos of Rex…

Here he was at practice or something sniffing out someone’s foot.  Judging by the yellowy hue of the appendage, my expert analysis suggests the foot belongs to an Asian person.

Here he is actually taking considerable chunks out of the victim!!  That has to be at least two suggested serving sizes.

Anyway, shouldn’t Rex be focusing on yelling at Braylon Edward-brickhands for dropping balls?  Or yelling at Revis Peninsula for tricking us into believing his “island” stranded opposing WRs and they would be trapped?  Or how about LT for straight up just being a D-bag?  Sucks for him, he has a foot fetish and he coaches a FOOTball team!  We should actually give him credit for posting up an inflated, false, but nevertheless, playoff worthy 10-5 record so far.  If I had a foot fetish and had to coach 53 men (that’s 106 feet) who are often barefoot in the locker room, my head would explode before the regular season even started.  I have no idea how he pulls it off… but I do have an idea for how to reduce Rex Ryan’s waist from 960 inches to a normal size: