Posts Tagged ‘tom’

Before you look at the title and completely disregard this post because snow sports aren’t too mainstream, please give it at least a read

The Winter Xgames and Snow Sports

They need more publicity.  Few people pay the appreciation these winter sports athletes deserve.  Except snowmobilers.  Who the hell snowmobiles.  Who, in their childhood, when asked in a second grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” answers, “A professional snowmobiler!!!!”  How the hell do you even get the chance to learn tricks on a snowmobile, which are unoriginal blatant ripoffs of dirtbike tricks.  Anyway, skiers and snowboarders shine above these sledding jokesters, because they have:

1. HUGE BALLS

2. Tremendous control of the entire body

3. An incredible sense of balance

4. Amazing executional skills

5. Style and ease = steeze

1.  Huge Balls!

Does your crotch area house balls as big as freeskier Tom Wallisch’s?  The risk of injury when flying distances of up to 100+ feet (yes, 100 feet from takeoff to landing) outweighs that of almost every other sport, besides football, because in football superhumans who are stronger and faster than just about everybody on this planet are on a mission to end your day.

2. Tremendous control of the entire body

Skiers entering competitions today won’t earn a podium place if they don’t bring a top-of-the-pack arsenal of tricks.  These days, this top tier consists of double corks (i’ll explain in a second) mixed in with at least three full rotaions, culminating in what we call a double cork 1260 (1,260 degrees of rotation.)  A cork essentially means that when you spin, your axis of rotation changes. When you normally spin, your head stays directly over your feet, as if you were a ballerina or figure skater.  However, when you cork a rotation, your head does not stay over your feet the entire time–at a point your feet are over your head.  When these pros do double corks, this means they start the spin with their head over their feet, then their feet go over their head, then their head goes back over their feet (completing one full cork,) then their feet go back over their head, then their head goes back over their feet (completing two full corks,) then they land.  All while doing three and a half rotations, grabbing the ski, and making it look easy and stylish.  Yeah I know it’s confusing, but it’s the simplest way I can explain it.  Here’s what it looks like, try to notice the rotations and the subtle corking

This is Bobby Brown’s winning X Games slopestyle run from last year.  The second to last jump is a double cork 1260. Notice the feet going over the head two separate times.

3.  An Incredible Sense of Balance

When skiers jump, they land after  on two sticks that are each about 10cm wide.   Yeah.  Not that wide.  Pretty impressive yeah?  When they slide rails, they balance on two sticks each 10cm wide, perpendicular to a metal pole also about 10 cm wide.  And they don’t only balance on it, they spin on it.  Here, Tom Wallisch does all eight variations of a certain trick.  The trick is a switch up to 270 out.  A switch up is rotating 180 degrees while still sliding (pretty much jumping and and you land your facing the opposite way you were when you took off.)  A 270 means you spin 270 degrees off the rail.  Because you can spin left and right on both the switch up and 270, there are 8 possible combinations.  Here they are:

4. Amazing executional skills

Like golf, skiing is an executor’s sport, whereas sports like baseball and basketball and hockey are predominantly reactor’s sports.  In skiing, it’s all about executing your premeditated run–you can envision what you do in your head.  In a reactor’s sport, you cannot predict what the opposing team is going to do, so you read and react.  Football is a combination of both, which is why it’s f**king awesome.  Skiers must string together a series of perfected carried out tricks, epitomizing execution.  They must learn to spin to the left and spin to the right, which is particularly difficult because people are born with natural tendencies to spin one way of the other.  It’s like being a righty or a lefty, and learning to throw with both hands, or golf lefty and rigthy.  A gold level slopestyle run isn’t just about executing spins both ways–the skier must grab a ski.  If he doesn’t he won’t win.  Straight up.  No matter what.  To think about executing all of these minute details of a proper run can overwhelm a skier, which is why it becomes even more impressive when a full run is completed.

5. Style and ease = steeze

A huge portion of freeSTYLE skiing is steeze:  the mixture of style and ease.  You have to make the trick you are doing look easy while looking good doing it.  If your arms are flailing or you don’t stomp the sh*t out of your landing, good luck to ya winning a gold.  Nobody wants to see an unsure or wobbly landing–you have to look like you just tricked in your sleep.  The king of style today is undoubtedly, guess who, Tom Wallisch.  Pay particular attention to how he rides away after his flawless landings.  Also notice how when he faces forwards when he lands, he throws one arm behind him.  That’s to say “f*ck it, I can do this all day.”

At 21 seconds, Tom Wallisch dips his head down and raises it up, exclaiming the landing.  Yes, it’s done on purpose.  No, I’m not kidding.  If you think I’m full of sh*t delve into the skiing community and get your sh*t kicked.

Now take everything I just said about skiing and apply it to snowboarding.  Snowboarding can keep right up there with skiing.  Now give the snow sport community some respect and attention.  Go to your local mountain and try some jumps and rails and realize just how impressive it is to be able to ride away from one.

In this video you can see some point of view shots, from, once again, Tom Wallisch.  Cool Stuff.

If you’re interested in the freeskiing community, please visit http://www.newschoolers.com/index.html

It’s a great forum where you can learn a multitude of skiing tips and knowledge.  Check it.

Comments?  Questions?  If you’re confused by all this dizzying spinning trick stuff, please ask me.  I live for this sh*t.

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Hype Up

Posted: January 15, 2011 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Has there ever been more hype for a game with an 8.5 point spread?  Normally, everyone goes bananas in the weeks leading up to a game between evenly matched powerhouses, because its likely going to be a memorable offensive shootout or defensive chess battle.  Sunday’s game will be:

a) just evenly matched teams, regardless of how good they actually are

b) two powerhouses, regardless of how evenly matched they are

c) an offensive shootout

d) a defensive chess battle

e) none of the above.  Sunday’s game will be a heavily lopsided affair between one powerhouse scoring 30+ points and one joke of a squad scoring 14 or fewer points.

For those of you with reading comprehension disabilities, the obvious answer coming from me is E.  So what makes this rivalry worth talking about?  Is it even a rivalry?  Don’t both teams have to win for this to be a rivalry?  When was the last time the Jets beat the Pats when it mattered, in the playoffs, or in an important regular season game?   Yeah the Jets beat the 2010.1 Patriots in September, but where were they on the national stage in December against the 2010.2 Patriots?  The Patriots have won 12 AFC East titles, the Jets have won 2.  The Patriots have appeared in the Super Bowl 6 times, the Jets have never even won an AFC Championship (their single league title was the AFL Championship.)  Maybe Rex Ryan got something right, maybe Sunday’s game is in fact the 2nd most important game in Jets’ history, only because their lackluster history lacks so much luster.  So what about this game intrigues fans and analysts so much that they talk about it more than a much better, even game between the Ravens and Steelers?  Believe it or not, the unevenness of it all is what attracts us.

All week, the rage has been “Can Mark Sanchez stop sucking?  Can Tom Brady be stopped?”  It’s not about who will win, but how much New England will win by.  All analysts seem to be sharing the general consensus of a less than 45-3 blowout, but a large margin of victory for the Patriots nonetheless.  I’ve been hearing the 35-14 ballpark prediction from just about everyone, but last night when I saw Mark Schlereth on ESPN predict a 20-17 victory for the Pats I had a baby about it.  20-17 Schlereth?  Are you f**king high?  Do you even know who Tom Brady is?  I know you played in the NFL, but are you on crack or something?  Like I said, the unevenness attracts us.  Not just on the field either.

What team sh*t talks the best in the NFL?  It’s the Jets, obviously… psych.  This week showed just how gawd awful the Jets are at everything:  football, trash talk, life, etc.  Breaking down the trash talk day by day, we can clearly see how badly the Patriots owned the Jets this week.

Monday:  Rex Ryan claims “it’s personal” between him and Bill Belichick.  What’s so personal, Rex?  Bill didn’t give you enough attention or something?  You heard nothing from the Pats, proving once again they are the bigger men and don’t meddle with these antics.

Tuesday:  Antonio Cromartie calls Tom Brady an a$$hole, says “f**k him,” says he hates him, and has a problem with Brady pointing to the Jets defense on the sideline after scoring 6 on them.  Are you kidding me?  How old are you Antonio?  F**k him?  That’s the best you got?  Calling Brady an a$$hole?  You can’t come up with anything better than that?  Real original insult there, ouch it really burns.  Like really burns.  Almost burns Brady as much as Brady burns your defense.  Maybe his childish behavior is because he takes on after his 9 children with 8 mothers…

Brady handles Cromartie’s comments like a champ, responding with “I’ve been called worse,” smiling, and proceeds to compliment the Jets and their successes.  Local TV then takes a huge dump on Cromartie.

My favorite part is how the “Kids” stat is starred for the Jet, with names on the bottom.  Why would he name a kid after the asshole of America?  And Myjunia?  Your what now?  Name your next kid La’Quarium, its a great name.

Wednesday:  Pats practice football, Jets probably sit on their asses smelling feet or making babies.

Thursday:  Wes Welker with pure ownage.  Take some notes, Antonio.  This is how you insult somebody.  Subtly.  Cleverly.  Wittily.  You don’t throw a “f**k him,” its plain old and boring.  You conjure up something intelligent, which may prove difficult for you.  Here, Wes takes jabs at your foot-loving coach, but he’s not out there exclaiming “HEY REX YOU LIKE FEET.”

So there you have it, the Patriots utterly dominating the Jets at their own game, and now the Jets have to come into Foxboro and play the best team in the NFL  Rough times for New York.  A one-sided matchup indeed, which keeps me and (secretly keeps you) watching.  Gonna be funny to watch Mark Sanchez sail balls to a different zip code than his receiver’s route.

Bonus awesome super hilarious clip that my buddy George told me about:

almost as wild as Ratatat…

So much to talk about… so naturally the Pats come first.

Why did the Colts have to lose?  Why?  I wanted the Pats to play them so badly in the AFC Championship game.  I’ve raved about it enough, but I still find it difficult to express how much I love watching the two most dominant franchises of the 2000’s square off on the gridiron.  Nothing beats it.  The only scenario in which the Pats playing the Colts could be matched would be any sort of competition between said matchup and Tom Brady’s hair, in which case the universe would implode and all that we know would go to smithereens.  But me sobbing over the Colts’ L isn’t going to fix anything, and the Jet’s are still checking into Foxboro for Sunday.

If the Colts had to lose to somebody in the playoffs, I would want that somebody to be the Jets.  Instead of playing the Ravens, the Patriots will enjoy their second bye week in a row when Mark Sanchez is sailing balls 10 feet above Braylon Butterfingers’ head.  Either way, the Jets’ trainwreck of an offense will put up squadoosh on the scoreboard.  And what’s even better about an easy opponent is the unjustified sh*ttalking that tags along with it.  Rex Ryan’s memory must be in terrible condition because he seems to have forgotten that barely a month ago this was his face:

I know, pretty priceless image right?  I can’t wait until the Pats blow them out of Sunday again, and Rex still thinks he’s gonna win a Super Bowl.  Gonna go something like, “We got our butts kicked today.  No denying that.  But we’re still going to win a Super Bowl.  We’re still the best team in the league.  The NFL says we’ve been eliminated from the playoffs, but I’m not scared.  I’m not afraid of anything.  We’ll be hoisting that Lombardi Trophy in a few weeks.  It’s personal.”  Can someone just stick a foot in Rex’s mouth at this point?

 

Next up: the Seattle Seaflukes.

I gotta give it to Matt Hasselbeck, only because he is from the same tiny MA town as me.  He played one hell of a game.  Props to him.  But as good of a performance as it was, I’m pretty sure everyone (including Pete Carroll and the Seahawks) knows the Saints go bird hunting and succeed nine times out of ten, which is why I hate playoff upsets.  Let’s be honest here, the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl is like the Lakers or Celtics not winning the NBA Finals; nobody gives a flying f*ck.  Maybe if Seattle finished 8-8 or better, they would be worthy of big rocks on rings.  Too bad they finished 7-9 and by dumb playoff seeding systems not only did they make the playoffs over the 10-6 G Men, they hosted the 11-5 Saints.  Utter BS.  Go home Seahawks.

Now I know, all y’all haterade sippers are probably saying, “Well Mr. Big Pats fan, the 2001 Patriots were pretty big underdogs too.  By your logic, wouldn’t it be better if the Rams won the Super Bowl, right?”  Wrong.  The 2001 Patriots finished 11-5, plenty worthy of Super status.  But the big difference here is that the 2001 Patriots were the beginning of the best football decade for any team.  Ever.  EVER!  I will name my first born Marshawn if the 2010 Seahawks are followed by three Lombardi Trophies, a perfect regular season, and on their way to a fourth Super Bowl.  Too bad they are a true fluke, and will in all likeliness miss the playoffs next year thanks to a rejuvenated Jim Harbaugh led 49ers or an Andrew Lucked out Cardinals team.

 

Finally:  AARON RODGERS!!!!

YEAHHHH!!!!  AARON RODGERS!!!! MY DAWG!!!!  Cooler than ice cold!!!!  You show those Eagles who’s boss around here, you prove once again that a conventional QB beats an oddball QB.  Righty QB’s that wear nice divisible numbers such as 12, 18, 9, and that sit in the pocket and deliver strike after strike always beat weird oddball lefty QB’s who wear prime numbers like 7 and run around using physical ability over intelligence.  The only bad part about this now is that somewhere down the road I have to root for Aaron Rodger’s opponent because I don’t want the Pats playing him in the Superbowl.  Did I mention Aaron Rodgers is now a movie star too?  AARON RODGERS!!!!

 

I was pissed last night.  Pissed that the Patriots weren’t pummeling the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers by at least 21 points at the end of the first quarter.  Pissed that they went into the locker rooms at half without the lead.  Pissed that we only won by four points.  Yeah, I was pissed that we beat a very good playoff team.  Because the margin of victory was slim.  Am I an a**hole for for being angry that the Patriots barely beat the Packers when fans of the Panthers or Bills or Bengals would celebrate such a victory like it was a holiday?  Probably.  But guess what.  I’m from New England, and all we do is win, win, win, no matter what.  I expected a 28 point victory last night.  No joke.  Four touchdowns.  I expected Tom Brady to throw for 300+ yards and 3+ touchdowns, and I expected first time starter Matt Flynn to throw for less than 150 yards and at least 3 INT.  Give credit to the Packers, because none of that happened.  They gave it their all, and if Rodgers’ noggin was good to go, they probably would ended Brady’s four-year regular season home win streak.  I wasn’t the only one who was pissed last night.  Belichick and Brady were too.  Look out NFL, because you know what happens when BB and Tom are pissed, this:

You know what happens after this happens?  The Patriots fire up their afterburners and become more unstoppable than that train movie with Denzel and the main character from Star Trek.  The Pats tear apart their opponent, then maybe let them score a field goal, only so they have an excuse to drop 20 more points.  Sunday’s near loss surprised all of New England and served as a rude awakening for the Patriots.  Like the ’07 games against the Eagles and the Ravens, Sunday brought the superhuman Pats back to Earth.  Would I have liked to see a 40 point victory instead of a four point victory?  Of course.  But what this game brought to New England besides the W was a reminder that you can’t steamroll ’em all; you can’t afford to be sloppy against playoff caliber teams.

The Packers delivered this reminder at the perfect time.  BB and Tom Brady will practice the s**t out of the team this week, eager to storm into Buffalo and make burgers out of the Bills.  I’ll be at the next game after that, against the Dolphins, and I can’t wait to see the killa B’s (BB and Brady) put Dolphins on the endangered species list.  Here is my professional artist’s rendition of it:

The most recent case of lackluster Pats’ play prior to Sunday came against the Browns in a 34-14 defeat.  Take a wild guess at what happened over the next five games.  New England scored 39, 31, 45, 45, and 36 points in five obliterations of opponents, four of them coming against likely playoff teams.  Sunday was a similar situation (except we managed to get a win.)  The last time, five games of domination ensued.  You know what happens after five games this time around?  This: